Buckle up, this is going to be a long one.
This is a continuation of my first post: My introduction
Stats:
- F, 28.
- Height: 5' 3"
- Current weight: 145 lbs
- Goal weight: 125 lbs
- Highest weight: 152 lbs
- Lowest weight: 121.5 lbs
- Dietary preference: Vegetarian
Background:
I originally started my journey in 2016. I went from 152 lbs down to 121 lbs in about 2 years. Size 14 to Size 4 clothes. I successfully maintained my weight in a 5 lb range of 125 and 120 lbs for about a year and a half after that. Eventually, I stopped weighing myself, as all my clothes fit well, and continued to fit well. As long as that was fine, I knew my weight didn't matter anymore. Slowly, I stopped counting calories and macros too. It was great. My last weigh in on My Fitness Pal was recorded in April 2019, at 124.4 lbs. The plan was to maintain for the rest of the year, and then start focusing on strength, stamina, flexibility and mobility in 2020.
What happened?
When quarantine started, gyms shut down, and I stopped seeing other humans and working from home, a lot changed. The first month, I was too afraid to go outside for a even a walk. I was spending 99% of my time in PJs or lounge wear, you know, lose, comfortable clothing. It didn't matter since I wasn't going anywhere anyway.
Grocery stores ran out of any and all major staples in my major diet. I used to rely on fresh veggies, tofu, tempeh, yogurt, cheese, beans, tortillas, quinoa, etc. Everything that I ever ate was out of stock. I started to panic because I had no idea what to eat anymore. I had to settle for whatever was readily available. For a while there, my diet comprised of instant noodles, rice, dal, whatever form of bread or tortillas were available, whatever veggies and fruits were available, and protein powder.
It was approximately end of May, mid June, before grocery stores had returned to some sort of normalcy. My diet had gone to shit for a full two months. I had completely stopped any physical activity besides yoga. I was depressed due to not being able to go outside or see other humans, anxious about the future, and just overwhelmed. When things finally started showing up at the grocery stores, I was so excited, I gorged myself in all my favorite that I had missed out in in the last few months. That was my only source of happiness at the time.
Then one day, in June, my office told us that we will be working from home indefinitely, and that we should go in and pick up whatever equipment we may need to do so from the office. For the first time in months, I needed to get dressed in outside clothes. I tried on 6 different things and failed to fit into any of them. Panic set in. I went and weighed myself: 135 lbs. What. The. Fuck. I had gained 10 pounds. I was shocked.
After that, I desperately tried to revert back to old habits for when I was 125 lbs, and failed repeatedly. The scale kept going up, I kept getting frustrated. Turns out all of my pre weight loss habits had come back. I was barely moving, I was not at all trying to eat nutritious, not even close. My sugar consumption had skyrocketed. My hunger and thirst queues completely messed up. I was either overeating, or not eating all. I had reverted back to 2015, and all the changes I implemented in my 2 year journey were gone. I was trying to cram those 2 years into a few days and feeling devastated when I couldn't stick to it. It took the weight on the scale to reach a 145 lbs before I could step back and think for a bit.
Introspection / Analysis
Food has always been and always will be a big part of my life. I love to eat, I love to cook, I love to try new things. It's how I celebrate, experience travel, make memories, reminisce on the past. I grew up with an intense sweet tooth that runs in the family. It was never really a problem because I was a really active kid. It only became an issue towards the end of college and in grad school, where my primary focus was my education and career, and everything else, including my own health, took a back seat. Soon, sugar wasn't just my way of experiencing new foods or celebrate life, it became my coping mechanism to deal with life's ups and downs. Looking back, my sweet tooth wasn't that bad, but it was the perfect segway into a bad habit.
The two years of weight loss journey reset my outlook towards all food, but mainly sugar. The reason it took my two full years to lose 30 lbs was because every change I made was very very small. The goal wasn't just to lose weight, it was to improve my overall health and my relationship with food, and for all of this to be sustainable for life. I was also trying to prevent early onset of diseases that run in my family, and to build my body and mind to be strong enough for if and when I do get those diseases. The bad habits took a lot of effort to break. Newer, better habits took a long time to stick. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't impossible either. It just took time.
Eventually, my time at the gym became my time to unwind. I had physical activities planned for my weekends and my holidays. I loved being active, but it was also my way to de-stress. What I didn't realize was that it was just a new coping mechanism. Instead of sugar, I now relied on exercise. When quarantine took that away from me as well, everything came crashing down. My giant tower was built on a weak foundation.
Now that I'm a 145 lbs, I can suddenly see more clearly. I'm not surprised at the way everything went down. Not only at how quickly I was able to gain all the weight, but also why I didn't notice it until 10 lbs in. My only measure of my weight were my clothes. When I started wearing PJs 24 / 7, I threw that way of measurement right out the window.
I laugh at my thought process at 135 lbs. I was trying to cram two years worth of work in a week, and expecting to see results overnight. Thinking about that now, it honestly feels like an insult to my past self who worked so damn hard to get there. I can't just change everything overnight. It has to be done one step at a time. If only I had realized that at a 135 lbs instead of now, i would have probably been halfway back to my goal weight. Oh well.
The game plan - short version:
Last Sunday, on August 30th, I came up with a game plan. I took some time listing out all the changes I made in my previous two year journey, and a rough estimate of how long it took my sustain each change, and what order I made changes in. I will repeat that process again. It won't happen overnight, but it also may not take as long as it did the first time. i just have to learn to be patient with myself. This is not a race. There is no deadline.
Additionally, I've decided I need to seek out some professional help for my anxiety, depression and overall coping mechanisms for stress. My work life has continued to get more and more stressful each day, and at this point, I'm just happy to be employed. I just know that I need a better way to deal with things that are not associated with food or exercise.
I have broken down this game plan into small, weekly changes/goals. I will re-assess each week to see if I want to continue working on the current change, or if I'm ready to incorporate a new change into my life. I'll post my progress as I go. When I do type out the details of my first set of changes, I'll link them here, so you can read them if you're interested.
I hope this post helps at least one person. If this resonated with you even in the slightest, please comment. I would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you!
