F, 5'3", 235 lb. Made an account to get this off of my chest - I had a sort of epiphany about why I am so ashamed of my weight and how I look. I'm curious if any of you have had a similar experience.
I've often wondered how overweight individuals (particularly women) can feel strong and confident in their bodies. To me, I never bring up my size to even my closest friends because of how embarrassing the conversation is for me. Even typing this out right now is difficult. I believe that this sense of shame and humiliation regarding my weight has only led to a negative impact on my ability to lose it - I am overweight, which makes me dislike myself, which makes me feel a sense of apathy about my health, which leads me to overindulge in food and alcohol.
I think I've always known that this was how I felt, but I didn't fully realize why until recently. I was at the beach with my family, having a fantastic time, and I noticed that a woman and her boyfriend were kicking a soccer ball back and forth. The woman was wearing a bikini and was curvy, muscular, and tall - perhaps a bit extra weight, but certainly not fat. In fact, I thought she was quite attractive.
I was in the middle of a conversation with my mother (who, like me, is fairly overweight) and she looks over at the woman and says "Geez, some people just shouldn't wear bikinis". It floored me - I thought "Seriously? You're going to get on a high horse about this?" I just said "It's funny that you say that, because earlier I was thinking that she looked really good" and she dropped the subject.
I didn't really think all that much about it until my aunt (mother's sister, also a bit overweight) said the exact same thing. This time, I was a bit more impatient - "What the hell? My mom said the same thing - I think she looks great. What's up with you two?" My aunt immediately apologized and admitted that it was not a very nice thing to say.
(Just an aside - my mother and aunt are wonderful and incredibly supportive individuals whom I love very much. This story in no way reflects who they are as people, it was just a shallow moment, which we all have.)
It was after these two conversations that I realized why I was so embarrassed of my size - I was brought up in a household where being overweight was something to hide and cause shame. My mother has always been extremely self-conscious and sensitive about her weight, which has passed on to me because I saw the way she tried to hide that part of her rather than owning it. The same goes for my aunt. I think the more you disassociate yourself from your weight, the harder it becomes to confront and deal with it.
Now I'm not saying that I wish my mom had encouraged me to feel good about gaining weight or lied to make me feel better about how I look, but I do wish that the subject wasn't such a negative taboo growing up. I also wish that my self-worth was not so attached to my weight. If I had a higher sense of self-worth, I probably wouldn't have gotten to this point (but I can't blame that on my mother, or anyone for that matter).
I am a huge advocate for prioritizing physical and mental health over JUST "feeling good" about yourself, but I think you have to feel good and practice self-love in order to truly commit to improving yourself. I'm trying to train myself to believe that I'm not trying to lose weight so that I can value myself, but rather I am losing weight because I already value myself and I deserve to be healthy.
If you stuck with me through all of that, thank you for taking the time to read this. From what I can tell, weight loss is as much a mental game as it is a physical one and these kinds of realizations have actually helped me to stick to my path. Anyone else have a similar story to share?
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