I want to write this to help anyone going through weight loss a second time and finding out it's different than the last time. I also want to write this for myself to keep reminding myself that I am making progress despite the inner voice that says it is not enough. This is long, but I added a TLDR at the end.
Background
I've always struggled with anxiety and depression and a weird connection with my body. I did sports with awesome coaches that taught me about muscle vs fat, BMI, using food as fuel, and all the things you're supposed to know and think as an athlete. But I also grew up with a mother who had a very unhealthy relationship with her body. My earliest memory of her is her asking 5 year old me if I thought she was fat while she cried at the dinner table. She always complained about her weight and was on and off diets. When I was in high school, she told me if I ever hit 150 pounds, she was putting me on a diet. When I inevitably hit this weight because of weight training and eating like a teenager, my pediatrician had to overly congratulate me on being exactly where I needed to be for my level of activity and that she was happy with where I was because of the look my mom gave me. She eventually joined Weight Watchers and lost the weight she needed to, but her relationship with food and weight, while better, still revolves around how many points/miles on the treadmill they're worth.
During this time, my struggles with anxiety, depression, and self harm started. Once I went to college and was away from my family, my issues got better and eventually made the promise to myself to never self harm again. Also with college, sports stopped due to injuries and my 150 lbs of muscle turned into 150 lbs of college bod. I was never "fat" but I also didn't have a flat stomach. I met awesome people that made me feel good about myself and my body, and the negative influences from before gave me a much better relationship with my weight.
The first weight loss go around
After college, I fell into a profession I loved and a relationship with someone I thought was the one. Then, after 4 years, it turns out he wasn't and around the same time my job that I loved turned the intensity and stress way up. Depression ensued. I had promised myself back in college to never self harm again, so I took to food and alcohol because that's totally acceptable post break up behavior! Totally not switching from one mechanism of self harm to another! (obviously sarcasm) Luckily for me, I had amazing friends that helped me through and I hit a point where I was just done and ready for change. I was the biggest I'd ever been at 168, I was done being sad over a guy and a relationship that was clearly unhealthy looking back, and I wanted a sense of control again.
I started working out with a friend who was working toward becoming a personal trainer, I downloaded MyFitnessPal, I joined a bunch of fitness related subreddits and followed so many fitness people on Instagram. I began to lose weight and feel better. So obviously I needed to do this more! So I went to the gym 5 times a week, counted ever single calorie that went into my body (down to individual M&Ms and carrots) and got down from my biggest weight of 168 to 153. I was back in the 150s I knew so well and I felt in control.
I started dating again, started going out and feeling more confident in myself.
The re-gain
Right before I met my husband, I had something happen in my personal life that blew everything up. I wont go into details, but I was wrecked for a good while. Anxiety and depression kept me on the couch for hours at a time, ordering take out, and really only making sure my cat had a good life and I at least made it to work. I wasn't self harming, so I thought it wasn't that bad. I wasn't binging or drinking, so it couldn't be bad, right? I just needed to get my act together and finally do laundry, do the dishes, go to the grocery store, and all the other parts of being a functional human I was missing.
Then I met my husband and had the motivation to get better. I saw what I was like when he was around, and when he wasn't. I needed to get healthy because I'd lose this awesome person if I continued like I was. Also, there were only so many times I could shove everything in the closet to hide the mess that was my apartment and my mind. So I got help. I went on anti-anxiety medication, got on a better birth control that didn't make my mind and body feel like crap, and was on my way to feeling better. I wasn't losing weight, but I was in a much better place mentally.
And, of course, life has a way of making things difficult for you yet again. I got the job offer of a lifetime and ended up moving across country. This sparked a major fight with my mother who thanks to therapy I now saw relied on me as an emotional spouse and friend. So, I moved across the country, leaving my then fiancé (and cat) behind while he finished out his contract before he could transfer, and started a brand new job with major imposter syndrome. For 6 months I was flying back and forth between coasts and traveling for work, planning a wedding, dealing with healing family issues, proving myself at my new job, and all the fun that comes with these new milestones in life that I was dealing with.
At the end of all this, I was now at the heaviest I'd ever been in my life at 177 pounds. I had to buy new pants for the first time in years and I completely changed my wardrobe to hide my body.
Weight Loss 2.0
In July, after my husband (and cat) joined me in our new home, we joined a gym and signed up for a gym and personal training. At first, I tried to just pick up with what worked for me last time. However, this didn't work for many reasons, mainly that my life and body were very different 6 years ago than they are now.
I'm on two medications that are known to lead to weight gain and make weight loss hard. I now have a husband who loves to cook but hasn't quite learned what cooking like an adult means. And what I did 6 years ago, while it worked, wasn't exactly the most healthy mindset to be in.
I realized that 6 years ago I wasn't really getting healthier, I was just looking for something to control. I wasn't really tasting the food I meal prepped for myself, I was tasting the fact that it was only so many calories. I wasn't actually using the CICO method, I was policing and punishing my eating and exercise. While yes, it ended up giving me confidence in my body again and I learned way more about the nutrients of different foods, the why behind the how wasn't healthy.
Starting in July of this year, I tried calorie counting using MyFitnessPal and weighing myself regularly, but what really started to happen was me getting increasingly angrier at myself for not losing weight fast enough, or angry at my husband for cooking something not so good for us (but yet not saying anything to him about it), or angry at myself for not making it to the gym because I had to work late doing what I love.
I wasn't making space for myself and acknowledging the new place I was in in my life. I wasn't listening to my body and mind but making demands on myself and my world around me.
So, I switched things up. First, I tossed MyFitnessPal and just started to eat intuitively. I couldn't obsess over numbers that weren't there. I knew, generally, the nutrition info of stuff I was eating, and I knew what was healthy and what wasn't. I spoke to my husband about our eating habits, and how I could use his help with the meals he made for dinner.
Next, I started allowing myself to go to the gym. This sounds really weird, I know, but bare with me. First, I don't need to work until 7 or 8 just to prove myself at my new job. I'm getting good feedback, the company believes in work/life balance, and my output so far can tell imposter syndrome to shut the hell up. Second, I had to remind myself that my husband is not my ex nor my mother, both of whom would berate me for not spending time with them when I chose to do something for me. Stop making yourself feel guilty for not spending time with your husband, when he's only ever been encouraging about you going to the gym (both because he wants you happy and he likes the alone time for video games)!
I then worked with my trainer to create realistic gym and weight loss goals. I do once a week with him and then aim to hit the gym 2 to 3 more times in the week. We also do measurements every month to give me something to track that isn't the scale. And he's reminded me of the lessons from high school that I had learned, about muscle weighing more than fat, food is fuel, etc but had forgotten over time. This has stopped the "if you can't hit the gym 5 days a week are you really trying?" and the "only half a pound? lazy" thoughts that I'm guilty of. And the measurements have been SUCH a serious help as well! How can I get mad that I've only lost a few pounds when I've gone down INCHES in my waist??
Finally, I had to have a serious reality check with myself about my mental health. I had to remind myself that I am on two medications that have weight retention as a side effect but are critical to me being healthy and happy. So this means weight loss might be slower than when you weren't on these medications BUT you're much healthier on them than off so its' WORTH slower weight loss. Because slower weight loss is STILL WEIGHT LOSS. This is something I seriously have to repeat to myself every time I step on the scale and it either hasn't' moved at all or not enough. And I had to start being nicer to myself, because so far the only negative voice had been my own. My husband once told me a long time ago "Stop being mean to my girlfriend." and that has stuck with me. I need to stop being mean to myself.
My Progress
So, I am 31, female, and 5'6. My starting weight was 178 in July '19.
I am now at 171 and have hit my first weight loss goal which was to fit into my old jeans. My weight loss goals are as follows:
- Be back in my old 10 pants
- Get out of the 170's
- Hit 166
- Buy new pants at either a 10 or 8 (new pants are always tighter than ones you've had for years)
- Hit 155
During the week, I do a full body 25-minute work out with cardio mixed in with my trainer. I then try and get through a 3 day split of upper/upper/lower. On weeks that I travel for work, I try to do what I can in a gym or do a few resistance bands/body weight exercises on my own. Food wise, I eat intuitively. I have a yogurt parfait each morning with some coffee, lunch I try to get a salad or something light, and dinner is usually chicken with some sort of veggie. We do takeout once a week (Friday's with each new Mandalorian episode!) and if we do it twice because our schedules are just a mess that week or we forget to defrost chicken, I let myself know it's okay. I also say "fuck it" and have that piece of candy or grab a donut when I've been doing pretty good. When I haven't been good, I don't. This is a lot of self control sometimes, and I'm not perfect, but it keeps me nice to myself.
I've also made some "just being healthier in body and mind" goals
- Track your non-weight accomplishments for the week
- take time to mediate a few times a week
- monthly message
- hair/skin care for the sake of feeling pampered
- be in your bed by 10
My next step on this journey is to start using a journal to track my new healthy habits and goals, because I find when I give myself time to reflect on what I've accomplished and remind myself of my progress so far, I stop focusing on the finish line and how I'm not there yet and instead focus on how I'm creating sustainable healthy habits in my life.
The TLDR version of this is that you need to allow yourself to change because life changes regardless of whether you want it to or not. You're not the same person from one year to the next, so your weight loss journey is going to be different one year to the next, one life stage to the next. Find what works best for your health and keeps you being nice to yourself. Slow progress is still progress, measure more than the scale, listen to your self, and, as my husband tells his students: "Be nice to people, and remember that you are people too."
