Learning to see my new body -100lbs

I struggled to lose weight for many years. From 18-25 I weighed anywhere from 189-220lbs. I was 100% convinced food couldn’t help me so I spent thousands of dollars trying different fad diets.. I starved myself trying to get healthy by Forcing myself to drink protein shakes for meals twice sometimes three times a day in and off for 5 years. I’d lose a few pounds only to gain it all back.. Fast forward to 2018 I was 205lbs when I foolishly scheduled a consultation for Lipo (I was convinced id love myself the way I was if I took care of my double chin since I couldn’t lose the weight.... Obviously in denial about how big I was.

But first I asked my doctor to run tests to figure out what was wrong with meds why wasn’t losing weight through exercise and shakes? Lol... The tests came back normal so desperate I gave eating MORE food a shot and it worked!

The first 2 months I lost 20 lbs, the weight started to melt off! I was doing what every doctor has ever recommended, eat more meals, frequently. I ate every 2-3 hours. I started documenting my weight loss because I was so amazed eating whole veggies, carbs, protein, fruit, fats ETC would help me... because carbs are evil right?

I managed to lose 80lbs in 8 months over 100lbs total loss!

I’m so proud! I’ve kept the weight off for a year.

The issue is I still see that fat girl in the mirror. Anytime I start to feel better about myself, I look in the mirror or at a photo and remember I’m not as small as i think.. because I used to think I wasn’t as big as I was, and I ended up being so much bigger... arg. I don’t know how to dress my new body. When I do my makeup the same I look like a drag queen or I can’t help but to see the old me staring back at me. I am jealous of people that truly feel beautiful because it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I’m smaller than I’ve ever been and I feel more self conscious than prior.. People say I’m suffering from body dysphoria but I don’t know. All I know is what I see in my mirror isn’t the same as the photos I see of me. :( why can’t I see the new me? I want to love my body already, I fought so hard to get here. I inspire people to reach their goals daily and I support every person that comes to me for help because I know the weight struggle. I lived it. I was so overweight that my mom was afraid I would die in my sleep, because I couldn’t breath I’d wake up gasping. My acid reflex was so bad I’d wake up choking. I would fall asleep driving..... I know how hard it is because I’ve lived it. I want to enjoy how far I’ve come...

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Your Body is the Only Partner Your Mind Will Have

It's time to start listening to it.

I can't tell you how many times I've started a weight loss journey, only to fall flat on my face. Meanwhile I keep gaining more and more weight and every time I decide to lose weight, I have more weight to melt off. Despite how disheartening it is seeing the scale go up like a stopwatch, my dumb monkey brain only wanted pizza, fast food, soda, and a comfortable sedentary lifestyle. Who doesn't love laying on the couch snacking on potato chips playing Halo and watching football games?

Your body doesn't. Your body is screaming to be used, and you're flat-out ignoring it.

Your body doesn't want a second Burger King burger.

Your body doesn't want a third bottle of soda.

Your body doesn't want to devour a whole pizza.

Your body doesn't want to be laying in bed several hours a day, browsing memes on your phone.

Your body wants protein.

Your body wants WATER.

Your body wants to move.

Your body wants to fly.

If you ignore your body, it will die.

It's about time to give your body what it wants, so it can give you what you want. Your body is your partner in life, the only partner you have. Treat it like an equal. And I have decided to start listening to my body. After two weeks of listening to my body, I'm still roughly 100 lbs overweight but I feel so much better! Simply by controlling my intake and watching my calories, my body worked on its own to shed 10 lbs in two weeks. Today I've started an exercise regiment to help my body get the rest of the way there. It will be difficult, but after 15 years of not listening to my body, I deserve the struggle. I deserve the pain. But the reward will be worth it.

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This sounds dumb because I’m super obese, but I’m worried I’m getting an eating disorder, or at least having unhealthy behaviours with food on the opposite side of the spectrum that I’m used to

I’m very obese. I was 347lbs on July 3rd, an as of yesterday I was 280lbs. I’m 177cm. I was diagnosed diabetic in July, so started off low carb, no sugar, cut out junk food and portion controlling and walking 30 mins a day. From July 3rd to August 7th I lost 9kg. My doctor then put me on Saxenda, it’s an injection to assist with weight loss and I am currently still on it.

My appetite was reduced a lot, and I began to eat a lot less, the first few days maybe like 1000 calories. I joined a group for Saxenda and saw a comment that said “you won’t lose weight on 1200 calories, you need to eat 800 calories”. So I started doing that basically. Well, I decided to never go over 900 calories to start, and it was quite easy as my appetite was also reduced by Saxenda. I would panic about going over 900 and think it would ruin my weight loss and make me get fatter again.

It was working well and my doctor was super impressed with my weight loss, and it made me feel good. She doesn’t know how little I’m eating.

The last month or so (maybe longer, I can’t exactly remember), I’ve reduced even more. I probably eat between 600-800 a day. I constantly worried that if I eat any more than 800, it will stop my weight loss and lead to me becoming more fat. Like, I know it’s irrational, but I can’t bring myself to eat any more than 800. Even when I get to 800 I feel I’ve failed, sitting at 600 makes me feel better.

The last few weeks I’ve suddenly become incredibly fatigued and weak. I get weak just having a shower and have to sit down. I get super light headed and dazed nearly every time I stand up. I’m just so tired all day and can barely function. I haven’t been walking like I used to because I’m just too fatigued. I’m still losing quite a lot of weight though.

I know this is likely to do with my lack of eating, but I still can’t bring myself to eat more. I don’t want to gain weight, or stop losing weight how fast I am. I’m also worried if I don’t lose as much as the last checkups, my doctor will be disappointed (next visit is in a week).

But I also feel stupid, I’m obese and it would be silly to have an eating disorder, I do need to be eating less. But it’s like, I can recognise my behaviour and thinking is kind of dumb, but I also agree with what I’m doing and think it makes sense? I don’t get how I can think both. I just keep thinking back to that Facebook comment about how you can only lose weight on 800 calories. Like, I know others do it on more calories, but I just can’t seem to shake the idea I need to eat 800 or less for it to work.

I do have some mental health issues and started seeing a psychologist recently (only 1 session so far and I definitely didn’t bring any of this up. I have a lot of pre-existing issues that we talked about not related to weight) and taking Lexapro, the last 3 weeks, so I wonder if Lexapro is also contributing to the exhaustion and maybe I’m bowing this “eating disorder” idea out of proportion.

Anyway, I don’t really know what to gain from this post. I guess just wondering if anyone else has had similar issues, and what happened to them in the end?

I should note, I’m still on Saxenda and this has helped as I don’t feel as hungry. I think the dosage I’m on is wearing off its effectiveness as I have started getting hungrier recently, but I don’t give in to that. I know, I know when I come off this medication I’m probably gonna relapse. Like, I’m aware of this but I a part of me thinks I won’t and thinks it is all okay. Idk, it’s weird.

Thanks

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I just couldn't do it...

So this week I'm dog/house sitting at my moms while she is enjoying a birthday get-away with my step-dad. As I don't have a vehicle I had to make sure to bring all of the things I would need such as clothes, food, toiletries, etc... Well the one thing I forgot was my scale. I know, it's a weird thing to "forget" but I've been on my weight loss journey for the past 6 and a half months losing weight the entire time. I weigh myself twice a day, ever day. No matter if it's a week day or the weekend. Once in the morning, and once in the afternoon.

I do a combination of OMAD, CICO, and what I call Cheato-Keto (a day of eating a little more than I normally do of carbs then back to no or very little carbs). I'm a habitual binge eater. Whatever is in front of me, or is a snack food will be eaten in one sitting.

So what couldn't I do? When I forgot my scale at home I told myself I wouldn't worry about it and that I would simply look forward to it as a challenge to just do the diet I've been doing these many months and then when I finally got back home see how much, if any, weight I had lost. Well just four days in to the week, I lost to my anxiety at not knowing how much I weigh. So on the way back from work today I had my ride stop by my house on the pretense of forgetting something and picked up my scale to bring back with me. I hadn't realized just how scared I am to go back to where I was in weight.

As of weighing myself just a while ago, I've officially lost 101 pounds. I've gone from 369.7 pounds on March 27th to 268.8 pounds on October 8th. But now I'm fearful that when I get down to my goal weight, 190, I'll be too scared to get off my diet to transition to maintenance and exercise.

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First day at the gym

Some months ago I saw a post about a guy that conquered his fear of going to the gym. When I read it, I was so motivated to do the same, but I was very very scared to go alone.

Today was my first day at the gym, I had never set a foot on one so I was nervous. A friend joined me on my weight loss journey and came with me, that really help me go through it. Now we have committed to go 4 times a week in the morning before our lectures and classes start. I'm thrilled, even though I'm still a bit afraid.

I hope this post can help anyone who is struggling or nervous to go to the gym. Don't worry, nobody is watching. Everyone in there is so absorbed doing their stuff they'll probably won't notice you.

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Had a bad day and wondering if there is a way to negate the calories

Normally I have no problem with allowing myself cheat days where I eat at my maintenance or slightly more. However, yesterday my intake was much higher than I am comfortable with. I drank a lot of wine (like 500 calories of wine alone) and once I was drunk I stopped caring about calories and ate almost an entire regular size bag of Cheetos (like 1000 calories worth of cheetos). Plus everything else I ate prior to drinking the wine, it’s looking like a bad bad day.

I am very short and not very active so my TDEE is only 1400 cals.

If I restrict calories today and basically fast all day, does that negate the calories I ate last night and will it help me be on track for the week? Or should I just eat what I normally do (1000 cals per day)? I don’t know much about weight loss aside from CICO. Sorry if this is a stupid question.

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NSV: Before and after pictures help! (In moderation)

Just wanted to make a small, celebratory post because I'm seeing some of the effects (... affects? I should know this) of my effort today.

My weight loss has been kind of slow as I navigate my unhealthy eating habits and damned sugar addiction, but I'm trying to be patient. Every week I try to see what I can improve or what I can try that's new to work into my routine. I'm going to try adding a couple gym days next because I think it will allow me to meet myselin the middle with discipline and my desire to snack a bit sometimes-- usually by the end of the week I've gone about 800 calories outside of my seven-day goal, so I figure instead of fighting myself constantly I'll just make myself earn those calories by buring them off preemptively. That, and I miss running, so I want to try to train myself back into it.

Anyway! Despite my slow loss, I'm finally noticing some (albiet small) changes. My stomach is noticeably flatter than in my before pictures, and I've got a little bit of waist coming back that I'm really feeling. My body shape is naturally curvy, so I'm happy that my shriking waist is starting to make my hips look like an actual asset again. I rarely get these days where I feel content with my progress and good about myself, so I wanted to post here to memorialize it, lol.

Weight loss is hard and frustrating, so when you have days that make you feel like you're acing it, write them down and remember them! They may end up being even more motivating than before and after shots.

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