Hey everyone. This is pretty much a vent about how my eating disorder intensified while losing weight and AFTER losing a lot of the weight.
My stats 18F 164cm, highest weight 105kg, starting weight (when started doing calorie deficit) 100kg, and lowest weight recorded was 70.5kg, and last time I checked it went up to 71kg on 14/10, but I binged several times during those 11 days so probably gained a bit more.
If you check out my profile you could some of my posts on this sub from several months ago, and you could tell that I was/am someone who is dealing with an ED. And when people pointed it out in the comments I genuinely thought they were gaslighting me and I did not believe them.
Before going on a weight loss journey I dealt with occasional binge eating episodes and mostly overeating (duh, that's how I became obese), but then after I started, I don't how but I became extremely restrictive with my calorie intake. Sometimes I would genuinely be fuming if I went over 1200 calories. I would be mad if I skipped a day without exercising.
And then one day, after months of not binging, I did. And right after doing so I went to purge. I think that was my first time ever doing self-induced vomitting due to a binge and I'm pretty sure I posted about it here too. Obviously, I felt disgusting and guilty.
I decided to take a break from being too strict with my calorie counting, and instead of consuming 1000-1300 calories I decided to consume 1500-1700 calories per day, and even so I was guesstimating them in my head. Surprisingly enough, I still managed to lose some kgs through that. It was perfect.
And then July came. 7/7 was one of the worst binge days I have ever had in my life. Even when I was obese my binge eating episodes were never this bad. And since then, my binge episodes have been becoming more frequent, to the point where it is now almost weekly.
Today I binged and purged again. I was clean for 5 days and I thought I was doing soo good and I had promised myself that from now on I will be healthy and never binge, purge or undereat ever again. I dont even know why I am binging, I have been eating 2-3 full relatively balanced meals with lots of snacks.
I want to be healthy so bad. I also want to lose weight so bad. I dont know what to do, it sucks so much. Today I started my day with a healthy filling breakfast but yet I was soooo damn hungry. My period is supposed to start today but it has not. I am scared I will never heal.
Someone told me that the reason why I am dealing with binge eating again is because of my restrictive ED that I had till a few months ago. I hate what I have done to myself and I hate what I am still doing to myself. But I cannot stop eating.
I am sorry for bitching and crying here, but I have no one to talk to about this. I hope you guys understand
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/0UP3Ehx
No comments:
Post a Comment