Today, I was supposed to hang out with this guy I kinda like. He bailed at the last minute. While his reason for bailing is totally legitimate (work & schoolwork), I too have work & schoolwork to do but did not bail.
After getting his text, I thanked the universe for looking out for my senseless ass. I also got kind of annoyed that he cancelled on me for something that I SHOULD have cancelled on him for. I actually have no business hanging out with the amount of deadlines and work I have coming up. I could definitely use the sleep and downtime. But, I was still rushing through my work and rearranging my entire life to make it happen. Basically, I didn't want to cancel because we'd already talked about it. In my world if I say I'll do something I just do it despite how difficult following through makes my life. Also, he is cute and a good kisser.
Cue spending the next three hours recounting and overanalyzing every interaction we've ever had so I can assess how much of an idiot I've come across as for being transparent about my feelings and trying to make the person I like feel happy and liked. Cue also devising a sinister plan to learn how to put myself first and establish healthy boundaries.
Because our plans were cancelled, and instead of working on said school work, I've spent lots of time thinking about my weird decision making skills that almost always result in making life more comfortable for those around me. Why am I always bending over backwards for people around me and putting myself last? Why does it always seem so easy for the people around me to prioritize themselves? When is it okay to say maybe next time and take care of me first? How much of a chump do I look like for always being available (even when I'm technically not)?
Then it hit me. This kind of "selfless" thinking & behavior has not only affected my self-esteem/concept of self-worth, It's also affected my ability to have healthy relationships (platonic & romantic) my weight, body image, and relationship with food for probably my entire life. So much of who I am is rooted in what people think of me. So many times when I've lost weight, thought I need to lose weight, gained weight or did anything else, like blink, breathe, or participate in other life supporting involuntary actions there has been this lingering question of "am I good enough?"
There have been so many times that I've concealed, downplayed, or even given up my efforts to lose weight or eat healthily because I don't want to make my friends or acquaintances feel uncomfortable or I didn't want to get called out for wanting to change. Or because I don't feel confident enough to handle a conversation about why I wanted to change.
Another part of it was questioning my own motives. I couldn't tell if I was losing weight for me, or if it was another attempt to be good enough. For a long time it felt like losing weight and succeeding was an acknowledgement that I wasn't good enough for all of those overweight years and I won't/wouldn't be good enough as long as I remain(ed) overweight.
Today I also realized that my binging, self-sabotage, negative self-talk, need to let people know I wasn't this big before and am actively working on fixing it (among other shitty self-destructive behavior), is directly related to numbing this feeling of "not good enough" and stems from those moments of eating enough cookies and snacks during recess to make myself feel sick and keep me busy enough to forget that no one wanted to be my friend. I realized that I still turn to those same foods when I'm feeling low not because they're tasty, but because they help numb disappointments that feel like declarations of "You're still not good enough."
It makes me sad when I realize the thing that's been holding me back this whole time in reaching my weight loss (and other) goals has been myself and this stupid need to please the people around me because I believed that little voice that said "You're not good enough." It makes me sad to think that this need for acceptance from others has been more important than self-acceptance ever was. I've wasted so much of my life arranging and rearranging myself to be enough and acceptable and worthy. And before even giving myself a chance to recognize these behaviors and begin coping in healthy ways, I numbed them all with binging and berating myself. And when I got close to reaching my goals (weight related, academic, social etc), I screw it up because of that part of me that echoes those four stupid words
So I guess despite getting in my feelings about getting cancelled on and feeling like an always available idiot who is too available even when I have other stuff to do, I realized a couple of things today. I realized it's okay to put myself first sometimes and that the people I like won't stop liking me if I occasionally need to cancel plans. And if they do stop liking me, maybe they only liked me because of what I contributed to their life. I realized that it's possible to have a mutually beneficial and healthy relationship where you sometimes have to change plans because you just have too much going on. I also realized that writing out my feelings via really long reddit posts forces me to actually feel my feelings (instead of trying to bury them in Cheetos) and helps me to process instead of letting it fester.
TL;DR - a guy I kinda like cancelled plans for a normal reason and after getting in my feelings, I had an epiphany about how being a people pleaser is why I binge, am still overweight and struggle with self-esteem.
submitted by
/u/ErikaBerger
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2PpxSYS
