hey all,
it's been a while since I posted on here. I really do post on here like it's my personal diary so I hope you won't mind any entry...
I posted on here (and other parts of reddit) recently a lot about my struggles keeping motivating to do CICO, to work out and just stick to my health journey in general. my SW was 314, last I checked (pre-period a week ago) I was 280....finally moved past that DAMN 288 point which I was stuck on for a good 2-3 months. I was stuck there to an unusual medical problem...which after speaking to countless drs and specialists I found out is a lot more common than I realised. I have had a period for the past 3 months. my body basically reacted really weirdly to this new weightloss and exercise and just started wilding out with a loooooooooong period. but after MONTHS of stressing, not losing weight, being constantly bloated and fed UP I finally have a solution: I will be taking the mini pill until further notice.
periods cannot be medically controlled to fall into a natural pattern but only medically stopped/started. so my dr and I decided i am going on the mini pill to stop this non-stop period and all the terrible symptoms (including excessive hunger) until I reach a healthy weight range/BMI. Atm my BMI is 44.9. the healthy range for me (height is 5'6) about 18.5 - 25 (according to the NHS). so I have a lot of work to do. it isn't ideal for me to add ANOTHER medication to my list (I have an autoimmune so I have to deal with that factor slowing down my process too and have to take a lot of meds for it) but at the end of the day I am trying to see the positive: getting off the mini pill is motivation for me to work hard now to lose the weight and stop taking it sooner rather than later.
anyway I did something today which I kinda regret (not sure why kinda). I got a huge McDonalds. I wrestled with myself all evening. I ate a lot today as it was, just over my 1500 cals (without dinner) - a lot of that high carb and sugar due to period cravings (last period before I begin mini pill). I had just about talked myself into smaller portions or something but when I got to the drive thru something took over me and I ordered a large mcchicken legend meal with a coke. ate the whole lot. thinking about having cereal now too. its so stupid isn't it. I read on here (earlier today) once you lose 10% of your overall aimed weight loss you learn new habits....well I guess that isn't true for me? I knew what I was doing was wrong.
I argued with myself after today I will not do this again. tonight is the last time. my loseit app told me earlier if I kept eating the way I was I wouldn't lose the next 133lbs till 2023 and that was a huge blow to me. so I said: I will live tonight and tomorrow no carb no sugar no nothing. and tbh I want to do that. I was trying to rationale with myself that I will test it out for just a month. one month. just one month of my entire life and see how no junk food and sugar goes. I really DO want to do it. but will I be able to? I doubt myself so much. I feel like maybe I get scared of doing well with this weight loss because I know when when I have lost the weight, I will still need to maintain, then get use it and I STILL may not be internally happy with how I look still. I know weight isn't everything when it comes to internal happiness but it is a huge part of living a long healthy life. I've been bullied my whole life for my weight/size....I'm lonely because of my weight. there is so much RIDING on this. I feel like if I lose the weight and don't get all the things I long for, I dream for, I wish for and pray for: it would have all been for nothing. I feel tears coming into my eyes as I say this.
I want to do this. I want to be the person I envision for myself but when push comes to shove, I do try but I also seem to ALWAYS self sabotage. I have these periods of great progress then I f--k it up with a huge binge. I seem to find a way to mess up. like tonight. I knew I shouldn't have had to mcd's. I didn't need it. I wasn't even hungry!!!! even know I want the chocolate cereal as a 'last time'. I feel like whenever I do well I get scared for whatever reason and mess up purposely. and I am only hurting myself!!!!
I am hurting inside. I have made a lot of NSV victories and lost weight in general. but I can't seem to focus on those aspects enough. I try to remind myself I sleep better now, I feel better, I have more energy, clothes are looser...but my mind goes back to well: you still look terrible in X outfit, you have so many rolls, you have SUCH a long way to go. I love seeing progress on this page, from my heart I feel happy for others but it does remind me how slow my journey has been. only 30 lbs in 6 months. and that with a gastric ballon for 4 months.
I think about all my f--k ups, the failures, the slowness of my progress, the times I didn't work out, the times I binged, the times I forced myself to throw up and the times I come on here to vent then go and make silly mistakes again and I feel defeated.
I want to do better. I want to be better. I want to be the version of myself I DESERVE to be. not for a relationship or for others validation: just for me.
thanks for reading.
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/u/stressedoutpeach1
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