TL;DR pictures at the end.
My Stats
Male
26
6'2"
233 lbs
Starting out. Third time's the charm
October, 2020. I had just turned 25. I had a fantastic birthday with my friends and family. We drank, ate good food, laughed, watched stupid shows. It was an amazing time. The next morning, my mom sent me the pictures of the party.
And I realized how fat I was. Again.
Again? Yep.
A little backstory
Weight is something I've struggled with my entire life. I was a fat child. At 12 years old I was 170 lbs. Somehow I actually motivated myself at that age to lose weight and lost 35 lbs down to a normal weight at 135. I slowly slowly gained the weight back until I was 18 and 230 lbs (at my full height of 6'2"). After moving away to college, though, the weight just sorta came off without any effort or thought on my part, and I was down to my lowest at 185 lbs by 21. And as many of us do in college, I eventually discovered the joys of alcohol.
Addiction
I gained a few pounds with the introduction of the happy juice, but it was never significant. Hovered around 195. That is until depression hit, and alcohol became a daily thing. The amounts kept increasing, the frequency kept increasing, and finally it all culminated with me drinking 1L of Fireball until I blacked out every night. Woke up, threw up until I was puking bile every morning, took an absurd amount of whatever stimulant I could get my hands on - caffeine, adderall, ephedrine (often with caffeine) - went to my job as a mover, skipped class, and then did it all again.
Obviously not a good thing and very clearly not sustainable. I dropped out in my last year of college in November 2018. I moved back to my home-state with parents. I snuck drinks as much as I could and worked random jobs - pizza delivery, stocking, manual labor. Life was pretty shit. I was depressed and just going through the motions.
Stabilizing
Sometime around December 2019, I just sorta stopped drinking. Never really thought about it. Just got tired of feeling like shit all the time and stopped cold turkey. No withdrawals somehow. Got bloodwork done and liver enzymes were slightly elevated, but they said as long as I stopped they should go back to normal.
I got a job working helpdesk in February 2020 which turned out to be exactly what I needed. I got on with an amazing team and learned a lot. I didn't know a lot about IT, but I knew programming. I became the automation guy. I got to make a lot of cool scripts and regained some confidence. I started to like myself again.
My best friend whom I met online while I was deep into alcoholism moved in with my mom temporarily while she was between housing situations. She had stuck with me and talked with me despite me being blackout half the time. Dealt with my bullshit, still talked with me daily even after I'd get too drunk and fall asleep on call with her.
I was happy.
Losing it
Until I saw that birthday picture. The self hatred returned. What had I done to myself?
My friend got her living arrangement sorted and moved away.
Damn.
Things got pretty rough again, but I decided I would lose the weight. At first, I just reduced how much I ate. Didn't really track anything or exercise much. I was just focusing on getting moved out of my parents' place and holding my mental health together. But the weight did come off.
By March 2021 when I moved out, I was 265 lbs. I thought about what I wanted, thought about how much I wished I had a good body and felt good. Then realized the obvious. I am a 25 year old man with no major health issues besides being fat as hell. My body plays by the same rules as everyone else's. If I want to be fit and athletic, I can be. I just have to force myself to do it.
So, I methodically made changes. First, I got in the routine of being in a routine. I started making the bed. I did it every damn day to force myself to do something tedious that I didn't want to do.
(Side note: a freshly made bed to slip in to every night is underrated. Get them hospital corners down, and it's like you're being hugged all night)
Once I got used to telling myself to suck it up and do it, I added exercise. Initially, I just did barbell exercises - Bench, Overhead Press, Bent over row, Squat, and Deadlift. Three times a week, three exercises a day.
I was eating a fair amount, so my weight didn't move much, but my strength increased rapidly. So I kept things as they were. After some time, I was happy with where my strength was at. My 1RM lifts were 225 lb Bench, 375 Squat, 400 Deadlift. I was still 260 lbs, but I could tell my body composition was slightly better.
Somewhere around this time I finished my degree as well, so that's cool.
It was time to get the diet in check. I decided on 2100 calories. Didn't want to fiddle with macros too much, so I just tried to eat healthily. Rice, chicken thighs, vegetables, eggs, fruits. Every now and then I would go over due to a family event or eating out with friends, but it was never absurd, and I got right back on it the next day.
I added in cardio and isolation exercises. I'm now in the gym 14 hours a week on average.
And now, here we are. I am overweight.
Conclusion
So, why do I care? I've been here before, right? Not exactly. My previous weight loss attempts were all about losing the weight. Didn't care about anything else except the scale moving. This time, I'm determined to reach athleticism. I want to have a good body, and I want to be able to use it. I want to be able to run fast and far, jump high, be flexible, and all that. Not just be skinnyfat but at a normal BMI.
So no. I haven't been here before, and this is a big deal because it is the last time I will ever transition from obese to overweight.
Now, the unfortunate conclusion. What drives me right now is the self hatred that resurfaced one year ago. It's still there. I still hate my body. I take off my shirt and feel nothing but disgust right now. I hate myself for taking so long to get my degree. I hate myself for drinking myself stupid every night for a year and destroying my body.
I know getting fit isn't going to bring self love, but right now it's the one thing I hate about myself that I have absolute control over. So I'm changing it.
thanks 4 reading
TL;DR Pictures
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