Hey there guys! I hope I’m not annoying you guys to death or if this is the wrong sub but I have no clue where to turn or go to.
I’ve been struggling with weight issues my entire life. It’s always been either I hated the way I look aesthetically or I hated my health. Or both. It’s a rapid switch and a huge emotional rollercoaster between the two.
It started when I was 5. For some reason, I developed a huge appetite. I just wanted to eat and I snuck food all of the time. I’m not sure how exactly I just gained so much weight from 4 to 5 but it happened.
Nothing really traumatic or weird happened in my life at the time. It just happened.
At this age I was a disgusting and disgraceful 150 lbs.
Fast forward about decade and I lost my grandmother at 13. The summer between 7th and 8th grade in middle school.
She practically raised me and I had a difficult time dealing with her death.
For some reason, it just clicked and I started a weight loss regimen where I lost all my weight and joined a Taekwondo dojo.
I went from 253 to 177, which was a lot considering I was about 5’7”
Fast forward to sophomore year of college. Everything since then had gone somewhat okay. Still no friends. Never had a boyfriend. Still don’t to this very day.
I had gained some muscle and was sitting at 220 lbs. I was a tank and I was preparing to train for a strongman competition.
Then it all came down hill after I was rejected by a crush who was perfect for me.
I was rejected once before but I was 16 and it didn’t hit me as hard as it did when I was 19.
My life basically crashed. I started overeating and skipping the gym. Moved far away from home to pursue engineering. (That didn’t work out.) was struggling with bills and was struggling with life. On top of that, I was raped and hurt. I was alone. No friends or anyone.
I had and still have a warped since of sociality from my depression. I do not take rejection well. I automatically hate myself when it happens. Rejection or possibility of rejection lead to social withdrawal and introversion in order to keep the pain from hurting. And so outside and inside events kept up a vicious cycle until I tried to kill myself multiple times.
Last time was 14 months ago.
I was at 420 lbs at 5’11”.
I’m so disappointed and disgusted and revolted. I can’t live like this anymore. No one will want me like this. I don’t even want me like this.
I just miss being able to breath normally going up a hill or one flight of steps.
I don’t know what to do or where to go. I’ve tried so many times to change and I just can’t. Therapy. Psychiatry. Personal training. Nutritionists. I just can’t snap out of it.
I can barely even put on my clothes without getting exhausted.
I need help.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/30JBwA4
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