As many here do, I have been battling with my weight my whole life. There have been different contributing factors for sure, hypothyroidism, injuries, mental health issues, but the bottom line is that I have never ever managed to figure out how to get even close to normal weight, or how to maintain even 300 lbs, as it now turns out. So this has happened to me before, I think I'm doing alright and even if I'm not losing, at least I'm not gaining. And then all of a sudden, I am back at my starting weight and then some. Earlier this happened when I would stop weighing myself, and then when I finally would, the truth would be revealed. This time, my scale failed me.
I got a new scale today, a fancy one, and stepping on it felt like a nightmare because it showed 65+ lbs more than the old one. At first I thought there must be something wrong with the scale, it actually refused to weigh me at first. After some tries, I got it to show 390. I was horrified, still am. The worst part is that even though I had had a feeling I was gaining some weight, I kept thinking it would show on the scale. Sure my weight fluctuated a bit, but I thought I had it under control. Life was busy, and I also have mental issues that make it very difficult to see myself in a normal way. So not for the first time, I gained a huge amount of weight back without realizing it. I am pretty much at a loss. I feel completely worthless, and even though the few people I told tried to make excuses for me, like I've had a very very stressful year and my mental health hasn't been great... I don't feel like making excuses. I feel like I have failed myself. I'm over 30, and I want to find a partner and get kids. That has been one of my main motivations to get healthy. It feels like I've just ruined my life with this.
Unfortunately it doesn't help wallowing in self-pity either. There's a part of me that's strong and resilient and she's already making plans, okay, let's get back to calorie counting, I already exercise daily but I can up my game with that etc etc, but then another part is just completely defeated... because I feel like I've been there, I've done that, I've lost weight but I always always end up gaining it back because it is not sustainable to be monitoring every single piece of food you eat for years on end so I always stop weighing my food and calorie counting after 6-12 months, and things can be fine for a while after that but apparently I always end up here. I don't know what to do. I probably need to admit that I can't do this on my own, stop avoiding my mental health issues and get back to therapy. Start thinking about weight loss surgery or some other measures. I just don't know at this point. It certainly doesn't help that there's a pandemic going on and I'm way worse in that sense too than I thought I was. Sorry about the rambling. Wise words are welcome!
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