Hey everyone, I have been doing a lot of thinking about why I struggle with maintaining weight after weight loss - this is a long post but I wanted to get it off my chest.
In 2018, I went from 171 to 135 from June-October. I felt so proud of myself. Weight loss was easy because success was "addicting." I maintained for about a year because I had never lost weight like that before. I loved how I looked.
Fast forward to August 2019 - my senior year. I gained 20 pounds in less than a semester. Why? Because I turned 21 and had a whole new world of possibilities for happy hour apps and sugary drinks. Friends were over all the time and we'd make junk food. I would go out of my dang way to eat the Taco Tuesday special when I had food at home. I felt so out of control. I tracked calories during the day but completely ignored everything at night.
Come 2020, I set a NY resolution to lose 15 lbs between January and May graduation. Easy, right? I lost literally no weight. I would track my calories for a few days and then decide that the two appetizers, beer flight, "Monday night special," or entire pizza was way more worth getting back to a happier weight. I told myself; "I still work out, at least I have muscle."
March rolls around, and coronavirus happens. I move out of my college apartment and am temporarily at my parents house. I have lost 8 lbs already. I feel so in control. There are no temptations. There is no plate of cookies at work. There are no friends asking if I want to go bar hopping. Bars aren’t even open. I am not near my boyfriend who I would convince to take me out to eat. I am not going long periods without eating due to classes/work and feeling like I "deserve" a 900 calorie lunch. A "crazy big" meal is eating half a portion of take-out food twice a week.
But I am afraid of what happens when I move back for grad school.
I don't know how to tell myself that, "Yes, I can go out with friends and eat a few fries, but I cannot order a whole loaded fries myself." I don't know how to tell myself, "No, you can't get up and eat a second meal because there's a special." I don't know how to tell myself, "Yes, you can stay in even if your friends are going out drinking." I used to tell myself these things and then would ignore them. I don't know how to tell myself these things because I would say them every day and not listen to myself. It got to a point where I would dissociate from my appearance and barely look at myself before going out just to let myself "enjoy" all the junk food I craved.
I know that CICO lets you eat whatever you want as long as you can fit it in your calories. Yes, I can fit junk food into maintenance. But one bite or plate is never enough. Instead of ordering a cheeseburger, I order a cheeseburger, fries, and a shake. Why? Because one cheeseburger doesn’t feel “worth the calories.” I convince myself that, “If I don’t binge, I will never be able to enjoy these CICO bomb meals.”
Summary: Losing and maintaining weight at school feels like I’m trapped in a hamster wheel of temptations. I do pretty well on my own, as evident in past weight loss, but don’t want to resort to isolating myself from friends/fun places to stay away from temptations. I want to enjoy junk food/drinks every so often like a normal person, but I struggle saying “no” to pizza, apps, jumbo margs, cupcakes at work, and everything else. Maintenance is the biggest challenge. Losing weight is addictive but maintenance feels like an eternity of struggle. I don't want to feel "doomed to have no fun" once I lose the weight again and it's time to maintain. I know that food does NOT equal fun or friendship, but my mind uses friends and fun as an excuse to eat the junk. I think that my struggle stems from false panic about scarcity.
I wanted to share this to connect with other people who have the same CICO struggle. I want to do better for myself. I want to not fluctuate back and forth clothing sizes every six months. I want to have healthy habits - physically and mentally.
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