(Throwaway account) I can't take it anymore. For years, I've struggled with the effects of obesity and tonight I think I'm hitting my breaking point.
I served for 4 years in the Marine Corps. I was in the best shape of my life, and when I got out, service-connected depression and anxiety hit me hard. Over time, I lost motivation to exercise and eat healthy, and I'd eat unhealthy simply for the fact that I could now that I was out of the military.
Since 2016, I went from 198 (5'11) to 310 lbs, where I am currently. I HATE myself! This very second, I'm typing this out laying in bed having puked for half an hour due to acid reflux. My girlfriend doesn't sleep in bed with me anymore due to my snoring.
Nothing fits anymore; I'm a size 42 waist and it emotionally wrecks me having to buy that big of clothes. My shirts are XL, and even some of those don't fit me. I can't live this way anymore. I can't look at pictures of myself and want to paint a big black box over me. I can't look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I've ruined my life and something needs to change.
I've started the weight loss quest several times before. A girl I liked motivated me to start losing weight, and I did drop about 15 pounds, but stopped due to a big spike in my depression. That girl is now my girlfriend, and while she NEVER calls me overweight and is always promoting body positivity, I just can't see myself being happy with someone if I'm so unhappy with myself.
Last Saturday, I achieved a life long goal of mine and earned my black belt in karate. I was so excited, but my custom ordered, embroidered black belt with my name on it doesn't fit. If that isn't bad enough, that size belt I ordered used to fit just fine when I started karate in 2017. So now it's sitting on my belt display, my name etched in gold, taunting me because I'm such a fat loser.
I have to change and I have to change now. I can't be overweight anymore. I want to look at myself and feel pride. I want to not be winded all the time. I want to wear my black belt, and I want to live a healthy lifestyle again.
My plan is to download MFP, get started with that, and see what I have to do towards my goals. I don't have the money for a gym membership, but there is a running trail a mile from my apartment. I guess we'll start there. If anyone has good advice for starting a running weight loss journey, please let me know (example being distance, how hard to run / how much to walk, etc).
Thank you so much for reading. I'm excited to start my journey, but really hoping my depression doesn't stop me this time. I can't keep living this way.
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