Btw F21, 5,4
So back in February 2019 I finally started a weight loss journey with success for the first time in my life, inspired by my boyfriend at the time drunkenly telling me that I was 'physically chunky'. At that point, I weighed around 136lbs, although at my heaviest ever I'd been 144 (the weight loss to that point had been unintentional due to moving away from home). That night he told me that I stayed up all night, found this subreddit, bought a food scale and a body scale and got down to it first thing in the morning.
I set my limit at 1200 kcal a day, although some days it was more around 800 and sometimes up to 1500. I weighed myself every morning and weighed everything that went in my mouth. I started lowish carbs, which eventually became quite committed keto. I flirted with IF for a while. I did start running but more for the mental clarity than calorie burning, I didn't attempt to track calories lost or eat them back. And it worked! Somehow I overcame my chocolate addiction and by July 2019 I was down to 116lbs. 20 lost.
I was happier than ever with my body, felt confident wearing new clothes and my younger sisters clothes! Even posted to you lovely people about my success. Put a load of stuff that doesn't fit in a bag and truly felt I could keep doing this forever. But I wasn't all that happy really. Sure I felt better when I looked in the mirror. But I was obsessed. I was so sick of thinking about food all day, every day. What I was going to eat, what I wasn't. And after a while, I wasn't happy in my body either. At my thinnest, I cried at least every few days because I just felt like a monster. Also I developed an awful binging habit, at least once a week I'd eat and eat mindlessly, food I wasn't even enjoying, shovelling it in, usually late and night. And would be lying awake in tremendous amounts of pain. It was horrible.
It began to affect my relationship because I'd not want to cook with him and then when we did I'd get angry when he didn't let me carefully weigh and portion every single thing. It became all I thought about and I didn't really want to talk about anything else. I guess in a way it became a hobby in its own right, but it wasn't enjoyable.
Then I went travelling around Europe by myself for a few weeks (had a bloody great time). Even posted here about how scared I was about not being able to keep track and would gain all the weight back. Well, I gained back about 5lbs (after allowing for the water weight to subside). Then I really did feel like a monster, even though I knew there were points before where I was proud to be at that weight
.Then almost immediately after I went on holiday with my boyfriend's family. And something broke and I snacked all day. Nuts and Nutella mainly. I came back a couple more lbs heavier. I cried so much, I couldn't have sex with my boyfriend without crying.We soon broke up, around September. It wasn't the only reason by far but I'm sure my new obsession with food had something to do with it. But still, I was devastated (still kinda am). I pretty much ate my weight in peanut butter. I tracked very rarely. I stopped weighing myself out of fear.
Now I don't know how much I weigh but I don't like what I see in the mirror. The clothes I once proudly put away to the back of the wardrobe are fitting again. I'm pretty sure I'm back to what I was before but honestly I can't bear to actually look at the scale.
But here I am, and I'm starting again. But I think this time it's not about just losing lbs but instead I need to actually change my mental relationship to food.I'm not going to count calories. I know this sub is big on CICO and I know it works (and I appreciate for some people it's amazing). But I think I was using it in a way that didn't work for me mentally. I would still snack loads I just replaced all my snacks with lower calorie things, which is fine for some people, but for me, I felt I still had this huge hang-up about food and was still using it as a crutch and thinking about it all day.I want to stop that.
My plan is to just enjoy eat two healthy, protein+fat based meals a day. Although be more lenient with vegetables than I was before on strict keto. And not snack, at all, although will allow some treats for special occasions because I feel like if I don't it'll be an obsessive again. I need to relax about food by basically not thinking about it. I've started running again, but only because I know it makes me feel good, same with yoga.I want to lose weight but it is also about long term repairing my relationship with food and my body.
Even if I'm a little chubbier right now I'm not a monster and I'm not disgusting. I don't have to stop dating new people and wearing nice clothes and being happy with myself until I'm thinner. I still deserve those things now. But at the same time, I want to look after myself, long term, which includes my mind and my body.
Anyway sorry for such a long post. I mainly wrote this as a way of getting my head clear. Hopefully, some of you can relate in any way.Good luck with all your journeys and finding what works for you! x
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3aESOTm
No comments:
Post a Comment