Can't stop thinking about food; overeating on "healthy" food

I've been on a weight loss journey since January 2020, and I started eating in a deficit since May of this year.

I started by eating 1240 kcal/day (5'3 150lbs) and also eating back exercise calories. Did a fair amount of cardio during this time and lost 6 lbs in 1 month. However I think I lost a good amount of muscle mass and felt pretty horrible from under-eating. So I decided to switch things up.

I then bumped up my intake to 1500/day w/o eating back exercise calories, which was going really well until I hit a plateau. So I decided to try out 1400/day just to give my body a little push and have been doing that for the past few weeks.

I'm glad I'm finally becoming healthy again and taking time to nourish and strengthen my body, but this whole journey has been incredibly mentally exhausting. Some days are fine and I think "I could do this any day". Other days are almost torture. I am constantly thinking about food and wanting to eat. Sometimes I stare off into the distance just thinking about a meal I want to make tomorrow. It's just sooo hard because in the past I was eating food every waking hour of the day, so I never had these all-consuming thoughts about hypothetically eating food--because I was actually fulfilling those thoughts. Now I can only sit with them and let them take up all my headspace.

And the worst part is that I don't even crave foods like fried chicken, ice cream, pizza, cookies, fast food, takeout, etc. I cook 99% of my meals and hardly ever think about fast food. I dream about eating a large bowl of granola and almond milk pretty much all day. Sometimes I really just want a giant thing of grapes. I think about hummus and grilled chicken on a bagel, tofu & broccoli with rice......all foods most would agree are relatively "healthy" or nutritious. But the issue is that after I have already reached my daily calorie limit, I still want more.

I don't even think I am binging, because I have slipped up many days recently (while still tracking), and I always eat around maintenance on these days. It's just that eating in a deficit to lose weight has been really really mentally challenging, especially while trying to balance work/academics/personal life.

I literally daydream about the day I reach my goal weight and I can start eating at maintenance......the thought of being able to eat one more apple or that extra tablespoon of peanut butter or an additional scoop of granola. I don't want to eat like shit, I just want to eat more.

Not sure where I was going with this rant, but anyone have any words of wisdom or advice? encouragement? criticism? can anyone else relate? all is welcome, thanks guys.

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