Hi everyone. I started my weight loss/fitness journey in December 2019. I’ve made some really good progress on a pretty large goal.
I am 38% of the way through and feel better than ever. Im not ready to disclose the details yet but 38% is still more than most.
I’m the best shape I’ve been in five years and the changes I made have done a total 180 on my life. My chronic condition is healing and everyday I get better and healthier.
Some days are easy and other days (especially closer to my TOM, I wanna swim in chocolate). But still, I keep my eye on the prize and the mental will power requires strength.
But right now all I feel is defeated and triggered. I was talking to my mom as I prepared dinner and she made a comment about the amount of work I still need to put into my abdomen area. She might as well have punched me there because that’s how her words hit me.
I felt like all my progress was still not good enough. I was taken back to my high school years when I was physically in great shape but wasn’t stick thin and she made me feel awful about it. It was those years where I felt no matter how healthy and great I was feeling, I was fat and ugly. When you’re a naive girl in high school who is told from every angle she needs to be beautiful, you develop a cute little condition of body dysmorphia. No matter how good you look or feel, you’re ugly and fat. It’s like being gaslit about your body.
And her one comment brought all those years of torment back. It was those years of torment that made me stop caring for me to then lose control of my health and now I have years of damage to undo.
Side note: she is overall a great mom that loves me a lot and would go to the ends of the earth for me. She’s been really proud of my progress and praises me more than she messes up. She was raised in a similar toxic background but it would be unfair of me to not include the loving side of her. She’s very selfless and very affectionate and has become a better mother over time. But still... I can’t ignore the impact this has on me.
Anyways, I won’t be eating dinner tonight.
Just needed to vent. Please don’t trash my mom. I think when I am emotionally stable, I’ll let her know how her comment impacted me and I think she will take that feedback to heart.
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