Two and a half years ago, I rowed for college and was in the best shape of my life. The training and dieting I did for that led me to lose 25lbs, but I was unable to see the difference. Literally could not see the difference between the obese, depressed student I was and the student athlete I'd become.
To be honest, my weight loss then was disordered, and I don't want to return to my obsessive state. I just wish I could have enjoyed the strength I'd amassed and the discipline I, who was never an athletic person, suddenly pulled out of nowhere.
Then, I wrapped up my degree, moved to a new country, and the rona struck. And I spiraled right back to where I started. No more rowing, discipline out the window, and all too frequent drinking and indulging. I hate how I could feel what was happening and did nothing to stop it. I couldn't muster a scrap of the discipline I'd had too much of not too long ago.
I'm beyond disappointed and filled with disgust for how my body feels after all of this abuse.
However, I could and can still not see the difference between fit me and hedonist me. Now, however, this has tilted the other way. I've always seen myself as extremely overweight, even when realistically I was mildly chubby, completely healthy, or a competitive rower. This past year, however, it didn't seem that bad to me. Chubby, yes, but not fat.
But last night, I had my first gig with my band. Photos were put up today and I feel like I am seeing what I truly look like for the first time. The only reason I haven't been crying for the past two hours is that I feel too stunned by the complete disconnect between what I thought I looked like (cute, bit chunky but very presentable), and what the photos show (a glittery seal). It's forced me to realise that I've never had a faithful image of what I look like, and it's both shocking and horrific.
I've just spent 1.5 hours on my stationary bike, and have restricted dinner. My partner had bought a bottle of bubbly to celebrate the first gig, but the thought of drinking tonight actually hurts my stomach. I hope this is the final push I need to get back on the wagon, but I am scared that my approach won't be healthy - again.
I'm not sure what my aim is with this post, I apologise for the pointless rant. Right now, I am just feeling absolutely gutted and the thought that some Internet strangers are listening to my sad realisations is comforting on its own, so thank you for being here.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3uGOIVl
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