Starting stats: 5'5 SW:181 CW:177 GW:140
Hello reddit,
My weight loss journey begin in Fall of '19 when I decided I needed to loose weight when I moved to college. I started IF and gained 30 ILBs in 3 months & had begin binging regularly. I worked out and was used to 3 square meals a day, and snacks.
I came back form school, defeated, and decided I needed a change. I started CICO & working out consistently. Too consistently. If I missed one day at the gym I would panic and beat myself up causing myself immense anxiety. My weight went from 170-155 and I was thrilled, until my weight platoued at 155. I panicked, and lowered my calories drastically to 1200. I'll never forget the night that I came home from the gym (my 3rd workout of the day) and sat down to have some pasta salad, only to eat the entire bowl and 3000+ calories in one sitting (I calculated afterwords). I felt so sick I thought I'd make up for it by not eating for the next 3 days, which worked great until I had my vitamens on the third day for dinner and binged again to the point of extremely sick.
For the next month I binged ate and abandoned the gym until I had a depressive episode and contemplated suicide. I began planning my death, and a couple days before I was going to kill myself, I told a friend, saying goodbye. Long story short, they got me to the hospital where I had a mixed manic episode lasting about a week, my first one. I was then diagnosed with bipolar 1. I have been on a variety of drugs but weaned off everything save lithium.
Since this has happened, I've only had one other manic episode. My problem is depression- I can hold a calorie deficit of 500-700 with no issue, until a couple days prior to my period and I go off the rails. I was eating 1900 kcal/day being extremely active and went to bed satisfied to absolutely starving. I decided to let myself eat a maintenance during these periods but that isn't enough food. Typically my binges seem to come from extreme restriction, but that isn't the case here. I have been binging consistently for about a year now. I've done some research about this and it has some signs of PMDD. No matter what it is, I can't get on SSRI's due to being bipolar and I'm already on birth control. When I am manic, I don't eat, and when I am depressed I overeat.
I have tried intuitive eating, and it works great. It is the only thing that completely fixed my binging. But I gain weight on it. I can't find a way that works that I can sustain. I hate being this weight. I feel fat and I know that this weight makes me very unattractive. Even my Mom has mentioned loosing weight to me. I hate being fat, feeling this way, and I feel I have exhausted all my options. CICO, keto, IF, Vegan, you name it.
When I am normal, I get urges to binge, and I have the power to dismiss them. When I am depressed, I just stop caring completely and anything goes. No mater what I tell myself when I am stable, I always binge when I am depressed
Please note: I have been in ED therapy, currently in personal therapy and an IOP.
Does anyone have any suggestions? I don't even feel like myself anymore. If anyone came to say that I am beautiful or valued at the weight I'm at, please save it. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin at this weight.
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