So I have been trying to lose weight since the age of 13 so I was in the 8th grade.
During my try I would lose weight and gain it back.
The thing was I would starve myself and binge eat bad.
I have always had a bad relationship with food since I was 5.
But became more aware of it when I started my weight loss journey.
I did mention to my family that i think i have a eating disorder but they just told me to learn how to fix it.
It felt like they wasn't concern so I stop being concern about it.
I put it in the back of my mind and stop my weight lost journey for three years.
2012 I was 16 and newly diagnosed with pcos so I decided to go back to weight loss journey.
I started losing weight I went from 359 to 340, 340 to 330 one time to 321 but I would yo-yo weight form 2012-2014.
My mental health was getting worse the pressure of losing weight was to much so I had to put my journey on hold.
(To be honest from middle school though high school I was just losing weight to have the improval of my peers and society I wasn't doing it for my health.)
At 18 I started therapy I learn I had major depressive disorder and severe anxiety disorder.
I saw my therapist for four years but all we talk about was depression I tried to open up with my concern that I think I have an eating disorder and some other problems but she would shoot me down nicely.
She would say "its possible you have a eating disorder I can see it and the other concerns but we're here for depression."
"Bedsides once you handle your depression everything else will follow."
And I just follow what she said.
At 23 I now know she was wrong and wasn't right for me but I am thankful to her because she did help me mature in the mind set and help me improve my relationship with my parents.
My depression went down I wasn't depressed anymore so I decided to get back on it.
But everything would fail I couldn't stay motivated or consistent.
No matter how much I tried I kept making the same mistakes.
But I couldn't see my wrongs.
I thought maybe I couldn't do this alone and I needed a partner to "hold my hand" though this journey.
That I couldn't do this alone.
No matter what I did I had failures after failures and I was pretty hard on myself so I stop.
Every time I hear about weight lost stories I always heard people say they had this desire to change that was so powerful it started the chain reaction to losing weight.
I knew I wanted to change for the better but I didn't have that desire.
Changing myself for the better wasn't a priority.
I felt lost for a long time.
I felt like I was just existing and not living.
But then in July 2019 I had a overwhelming desire for change.
But I was confused with these new found feelings.
And i still didn't do anything for it.
But try to look for answers.
oddly though the desire grew.
December 2019 I had this awaking.
I one day woke up and decided to be brutality honest with myself.
I had to admit to things about myself that hurt but it was my truth.
My weight lost journey didn't work because I wasn't giving it my 100%
Yeah middle school though high school I wasn't educated on nutrition etc...
But at 20 I knew what I needed to do I just didn't do it because I didn't want to.
I was using my mental illness and medical conditions as a clutch on why I can't do this.
I was putting unrealistic goals and pressure on to myself.
I wasn't patient, consistent or motivated.
I was ignoring my unhealthy relationship with food and the ed I know I have.
And I didn't think I could do this alone.
And I was looking for cheat ways.
I also realized I was using my health problems as a punishment for allowing my depression to get so far it rewired how I think and did.
After realizing this I started to fully forgive myself.
I know see my failures as a detour.
I know I can do this by myself but I also know I will need support but I can't expect some one to hold my hand and help me finish the race.
This is my journey alone no one else.
I started working on a small routine on dec 9th to combat my depression instead of waiting to 2020 like I usually do.
And tomorrow I will be getting a eating journal so I can start logging what I eat, how much eat and how my emotions were when I ate.
So 2020 is the year I will work on good habits so I can combat my weight lost and other issues so I can me healthy physically and mentally.
Thanks for reading ❤
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/37wOLq6
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