Please excuse the word vomit below. I'm just feeling very desperate and don't know where else to go.
I just caught a reflection in the mirror of my side profile. What I saw was such a shock that I don't know how I have let myself go this much. I look like a total stranger, like the kind of fat person that kids point and laugh at.
I think I have been deluding myself for a long time. I only ever look at my face in the mirror, and as I'm lucky that I don't carry much weight around my face it never looks that bad. When I look down at my own body it also doesn't look terrible. I see some bangin' cleavage and some slim ankles (the cleavage covers everything in between...)
Don't get me wrong, I'm not so deluded that I didn't know I was obese. I just thought it didn't look THAT bad. But I have finally hung a large mirror in my house, and like an almighty slap in the face, I saw the truth of it.
I know this needs to change. My body prevents me from enjoying life. I can only walk around for a couple of hours before I'm so tired I can't go on. I can't enjoy gigs because my feet hurt so much from standing that long.
I'm pear shaped, so most of my weight is around my bum and hips. This means I'm so restricted simply by bloody chairs. Planes, trains, cinemas, theatres, restaurants, bars... I can't go to or get on any of them without researching chair width first. I look up info on airlines before I book flights. I look at the galleries on restaurant websites to see what type of chairs they have.
My biggest dream is to return to a small European country that I visited years ago and fell in love with. But only one budget airline flies to it from my nearest city, and that airline's seats are way too narrow for me... so I can never go back.
I am turning 30 this year. When I think of how I wasted my twenties being too fat to experience it to the full, it breaks my heart. I don't want to live with this regret, but I don't know how to change it.
I have been trying to lose weight since I was 12 and a totally normal BMI. I had a tiny bit of puppy fat, but I was terrified of turning into my mum.
My mum has been morbidly obese her whole adult life. She basically has no thyroid and despite barely eating anything, her weight has just always crept up.
She started pointing out my weight and cellulite at a young age, also fearing that I would end up like her.
I started emotionally eating and bingeing in my teens, and hiding food in my bedroom. When I moved out and did my own grocery shopping, my bingeing went nuts.
I managed to break the habit of bingeing years ago, but I still emotionally eat, and my weight never stopped increasing.
There have been so many diet and exercise regimes. So much mediation, calorie counting, hypnotherapy, intuitive eating, liquid diets, self help books etc.
The most success I had was before my wedding. I spent 10 months on a strict diet, going to the gym 3-4 times a week. By the time my wedding came around I was a shell of a person. Every waking moment and every ounce of energy had been poured into weight loss and thinking about weight loss and talking about weight loss. I couldn't have done it for one more day.
All of that work brought my weight down from 220 to 205.
By the time I got back from my two week honeymoon, the scales read 224.
I'm not exaggerating that after that weigh in I howled and wept on the floor. I had half killed myself for literally nothing, and there was nothing left in me to pick myself up again.
I have tried all sorts since then. I cut out sugar for two months and gained a pound. I ate 1500 calories a day for a year and gained two pounds. I exercised every day for six months and nothing shifted. I could list it all but it would take hours.
Between these efforts I completely give up. I eat whatever I want and do no exercise, because I'm so drained that I just can't bring myself to think about the elephant in the room (ha).
It's been a while since I weighed myself, but the last time I did it said 275.
I don't know how to do this. I don't think I can. The evidence of the past shows that it is impossible. Every time I gave up I gained more weight than I lost, and I'm so afraid of having a little success and then ending up worse off than before.
What do I do? I'm completely spiralling and totally overwhelmed.
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