Small victory: I just did a set of 8 squats. In a row. It doesn’t sound like a lot. But 3 had me WINDED. I also did 6 of these push-up position sequence things. I’m so fat and out of shape. Goal is to do that three times over the next week.

If I keep going, it will get easier. I have to forgive myself for not appreciating my healthy weight when I had it. I need to choose healing. Yes, I let myself get up to 240. That’s a lot for my height at 5’6”. BMI range: morbidly obese.

Those two words are so ugly, aren’t they? Morbidly obese. I also need to stop referring to myself as morbid because it’s just unintentional setup for a cruel joke:

“Morbid...ly obese.”

Kinda funny, depending on context and audience, but cruel nonetheless especially if someone says it about you. I’m clearly insecure and even paranoid about my weight. I feel as if it leaves me always on the defensive, thinking others are out to get me. I’m angry and/or irritated all the time. I can’t sleep. It’s a miserable existence.

Quality of life can be improved, for sure, by some consistent and minor changes that ultimately lead up to weight loss. I’m not sleeping well at night. I wake up at 2-3 am weeknights and don’t fall back asleep. 4 hours of sleep during the work week sucks. I really have no choice BUT to lose the weight.

The sleep study would cost $700 out of pocket, with insurance. Another $700 for a device, should I need one. Plus,I really don’t have the sick time for all these appointments at my new job. So unless I want to be miserable for the rest of my life, getting to a healthy weight is crucial. I also need to get over my judgment of that phrase: “losing weight”. It’s always bothered me, like I’m feeding into BS diet culture and letting them win. I need to just admit I need to “lose weight” and move on towards improvement.

I was also diagnosed as having Hashimoto’s and possible PCOS last year. Both conditions are said to improve by removing grains and/or dairy. Basically just eating more veggies and enough protein. A balanced diet. A wild concept to my convenient ways of eating. Diet will for sure improve my energy even before I lose the weight. I did intermittent fasting in the past and it did help me lose weight. I seem to have an all-or-nothing relationship with food due to my BED. I find I have more energy when I haven’t been eating as opposed to eating junk.

I’m going off subject. My point is I’m gonna start making some changes because I deserve to feel strong and healthy. Even though sometimes I feel as if I don’t deserve it, I really do. I need to forgive myself for not appreciating my health/healthy weight back when I had it. Or not taking advantage of my youth and attractiveness. I was always fat in my head. I only just now realized I never actually was until recently. The last 5 years have been in the 200+ range. It will only get worse unless I commit to making healing choices going forward in life. I can either feed the sickness or feed the healing.

I have amazingly not been super hungry today. I had a Sargento cheese/almond/candied cranberry thing and a Unicorn Bang. Two Coronas after work. I just started Trulicity and it’s been helping my appetite a bit. I just warmed up some plain old black beans with siracha and seasoning. Didn’t have a plan, don’t have a plan. Not hungry anymore though. Sometimes spontaneity serves me well in the kitchen, other times not so much. I’m lacking some ingredients. Veggies would be good. If I had some. (I never have them when I actually want to cook.) But at least those are edible with some seasoning and baking.

Short-term goals for this week:

1. I will go to the grocery store as needed to make at least a meal a day at home.

2. I will do at least 10 squats and 10 push-up sequences three times.

Long-term goals:

1. Have the smallest plus size be too big.
2. Lose 10% of body weight by 30th birthday.

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