Saturday, January 4, 2020

Struggling after the holidays more than I did during them (baby rant)

I've done a really great job on diet & exercise since July 2019, and have lost about 40 pounds during that time (closer to 50+ since a year ago, but I wasn't really paying attention until summer). My original goal in July was to lose "about 20 pounds", so I've exceeded that and am pretty close to my target weight of 180 (like, I'm hovering around 182 for the past couple of weeks — and that's okay).

I have been weighing and recording pretty much all my food, and have been doing HIIT workouts 3 or 4 times a week, up until the week of Christmas. This has been really exhausting, and I'm getting worn out from the amount of effort I put into the whole thing.

Last weekend I caught a cold, so I've been trying to avoid eating at a significant deficit, so that my body can fight the virus. I've also been staying out of the gym because I would just wear myself out, and would get other people sick.

But I really enjoy baking — and have been doing a lot because I was off work for the holiday. Mostly I've been avoiding eating too much of what I make, but even one or two cookies a day is enough to blow my calorie budget. Today was especially rough. I made lemon shortbread cookies with a lemon curd filling (to be fair, the lemon curd didn't turn out so it's more of a lemon sauce, but that's a separate issue for a separate subreddit). And I ate about 4 of them.

This evening, I decided to try making saltines. They didn't turn out either, which is fine for something I've never made before, and the experience was educational. But then I ate about 200+ calories worth of them (they are delicious, even if they aren't what they were supposed to be).

I'm finding it harder to fight my cravings. I don't know if this is because I'm sick, or because the stuff is around and I am just eating it because it's nearby, or if I'm just tired of eating chicken and broccoli.

I know this is a temporary setback. I know that I am in it for the long haul....but am I? Can I sustain the lost weight? This is the first time I've ever set out to lose weight, and I'm anxious about long term maintenance. Will I be able to stick with this new lifestyle thing for the next 30 or 40 years? I love baking almost as much as I love eating baked goods. It's been a real struggle these last 6 months, but I've done pretty good at treating myself to specific high-quality sweets once or twice a month. Now I'm feeling like I've lost my willpower and am just stuffing things in my face even if they aren't that good (I'm looking at you, pumpkin cookies with too much flour).

To add to all of this, I also want to start doing some weight training to build some muscle. I've lost a bunch of weight through the HIIT classes + diet adjustment, and burn plenty of calories when I'm actively exercising (which I will get back to next week). But it's basically all cardio — which is awesome for weight loss. But not for my overall fitness and (let's be honest) how my body looks.

The primary obstacle on weightlifting is that I broke my elbow last February, and it is still a weak point in my body. Most upper body exercises put some level of stress on the elbows, and that's holding me back a lot. I know that it will be at least several more months (or even years) before my elbow is back to "normal" (or at least healed to a point where I can use it the same as the other one).

Maybe I'm just too good at discounting the positives. Maybe I'm looking at all these small negatives and feeling lost. IDK.

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