[Rant] F24. I’ve been living a lie the past couple of years. I have completely avoided mirrors and disregarded my physical appearance. I started binge eating a few years ago due to depression and anxiety. I am in pain all the time due to the weight on my joints and I get winded from the smallest things.
Going back to when I was 20, I was fit. I was 105lbs at 5’3. Looking pretty was something I was worried about a lot. As soon as the depression hit this just completely went out the window. Food and cigarettes were the only thing that made me feel okay for a few minutes.
My mental health is a lot better and I started my journey around new year and I’ve lost 20 pounds. I started at 220. The weight is coming off. The reason I’m so upset is today was the first day I took a video of myself and just looked at my body. I have no full length mirrors at home. All I could feel is disgust and I felt no connection to what I was seeing. I almost don’t believe it’s me. I also looked at videos of myself in a bikini pre weight gain.
I feel defeated because I have this feeling that although I’ve started the journey and will get to a healthy weight, I’m afraid I’ve caused irreparable physical damage to my body. My skin is disgusting and stretched and full of weird lumps and stretch marks. I’m afraid that I’ll never be able to feel confident in a bikini again and that I’ve wasted the years my body is supposed to be in its ‘prime’.
I know this is a stupid way to look at it. I’m going to continue my weight loss journey the same as I’ve been doing. I just really needed to get this off my chest. I just hope my body finds a way to bounce back and that there will be better dermatological/surgical options for lose skin etc in the future.
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