hello!
I'm 18 (m) and i've been overweight most of my life (168cm and highest of 87kg down to 75kg.)
my step father used to track my calories and made comments about how much i was eating through my teens which has made me very worried about my food intake. in my youth, i was in a not great home environment and i never learned about calories or overeating and was always forced to finish my food. my family has a history of eating disorders and i've had a run in with my own food struggles for a while, my ex didn't help as he would tell me i would be perfect in his eyes if i lost xyz amount of weight, he was struggling to be a healthy weight himself and was very thin but also toned so it made me insecure, especially because i had a hunch he had been cheating on me and it was probably with someone thinner :(
i formed extremely bad habits when i was living with my SD and Mother as my mum started to develop Bulimia. my sister, cousin, and aunt all struggle or used to struggle with the same thing. when i was kicked out i really got into those habits. i have never been diagnosed with anything but starving myself to become perfect and lovable in my emotionally unavailable ex boyfriend's eyes and also needing some form of control with my situation and a way to make myself feel better is a clear sign that something was up.
i know its dumb but i was on yt one day looking for ana motivation and stumbled across a video where a woman shared her story about her experience with an*rexia while she reviewed a story about a girl found de*d with her head in a toilet bowl while trying to purge after a binge that split her stomach and killed her. when i watched that video i suddenly became scared and left the ana community immediately out of fear. i still want to get to a lower weight because i AM chubby, i have been described as on the higher end of average and i want to be average average. so i've been working out at home and watching my calories, this time instead of working out for three to four hours and only eating around 70-500 calories i follow chloe tings workout programs every few days, taking breaks when i need to (intense but usually around 10 mins to an hour) and have used my fitness pal to track my calorie intake and eat around 1200-1400kcal a day.
my flatmates usually make dinner for us all, i make sure to leave enough room through the day so i can enjoy some of the meal with them. thing is, i snack often and usually very early in the morning (think 3-4am) so they dont see that i do in fact consume food and assume that when i eat half of their portion sizes that im starving myself. i've told them im going about losing weight in a much better way then i was (i used to count calories in my gum, the thin layer of butter i had on my toast and the amount of milk and sugar in my coffee if i had any and i am now refusing to let myself do that. i have broken every old rule i had) so they have no need to worry if i dont eat as much as they do.
they got upset at me telling me i was being dumb about it and that i need to eat more, that im starving myself hinting that i'm relapsing when this is the best i've treated myself in years and they just want the best for me. that i need to pull my head out of my ass (along with talking about other behaviors unrelated to food or weight loss which is fair criticism! ive taken that on board and im going to try and not be like that in future) i told them i really dont like it when people bring up my eating habits because it makes me uncomfortable and makes me want to start hiding stuff. i had finally gotten to a point where i was being nice to myself and enjoying my body and it feels like a huge slap in the face.
i know that my perception of how weight loss should be in the past was horribly distorted and im trying so fucking hard to not let it come back the way it was or worse. having them over my shoulder about everything im eating or doing is starting to make me want to revert back into those habits. i cant do anything to stop it either or else i'll have to stop my weight loss journey which isnt an option to me, i only want to get down to 65kg. thats 10 more kg to go and i dont expect to hit it this year. i really want to but i know that may not be possible and im okay with that.
i really need advice. im thinking of upping my calorie limit, its going to trigger me into wanting to purge badly but its the only thing i can think of that will get them to leave me alone. i've tried to stop the early day snacking but my body just doesnt want food during the day unless its some toast or tea. if i dont eat in the morning i get so hungry and eat all my daily calories then im unable to eat at dinner. i'm starting counseling very soon and i will be bringing this up to them to work through it
im so tired of being told "you look fine" like i know i look fine, i just want to look better. i know its just coming from a place of concern and love :( i dont know how to cope or what to do without seeming like an asshole. i know people who have lost a lot of weight have mentioned this being a problem, i just never thought it would happen to me. has anyone else experienced this? whats your advice on how to deal with it?
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3aNjSja
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