I start basically every day with the intention of logging food in MyFitnessPal. I know exactly how to do this. CICO. All in the kitchen, not trying to rely on exercise. I know my TDEE. I know how much excess energy results in a pound of stored fat. I know 1-2 lbs of weight loss a week is good. I know fad diets don't work. I know I can have anything I want in moderation.
Why haven't I been successful? Why haven't I lost the 20-30 lbs I desperately want to lose? Because I start literally every day with good intentions, and at some point I throw it out the window. Donuts show up in the office (remember when we could *go* to the office?!) I eat half of one and track it. But later, I want another one, I say fuck it and eat it. Maybe I track it to keep myself honest, maybe that's my fuck it point for the day. Go out to lunch with coworkers. I tell myself I will choose a healthy option, but nope, say fuck it and get the whopper and onion rings. Maybe I make it through the workday and I am exhausted and want to order dinner. I start with good intentions and say okay, I'll order steamed broccoli and.... but somewhere between that thought and the free crab rangoons with $25 purchase, I yet again say fuck it. I definitely have issues with binging too, and sometimes I'll stop at Dollar General on the way home and get a bag of gummies, a bag of chips, a chocolate bar and a hostess snack and eat them all on the way home and hide the wrappers. Sometimes, like yesterday, I make it to 10pm and then eat 3 pb&j sandwiches, a bologna sandwich, 3 servings of pretzels with peanut butter and a cinnamon roll.
After reading that, you're probably thinking "damn this girl has gotta be a contender for My 600 Lb life" but that's part of the problem. I'm not *that* big. I wear a size 8 jean and medium everything else. So part of my rationalization is "oh, you're not THAT bad". Plenty of people are bigger than you! Which I know is absolutely awful and please don't read this and feel any certain way about your body knowing disordered thinkers like me are out here comparing myself to some sort of weird fatness lineup. Weight loss aside, i know my relationship with food is fucked, and i should want to fix that.
So yeah. I know CICO. I can fairly accurately calorie count anything. I just don't. I'm so envious of the people on this sub who just see the light and go "oh, just eat less of the calories? okie dokie!" and then go on with their bad selves and transform.
If I sound whiney and dumb, I know. I hate it. I'm not some idiot in real life either. I can accomplish things i set my mind to... but somehow not this. Has anybody been in a similar situation? Any advice? This repeating pattern of good intentions immediately followed by self destruction on a daily basis is mentally exhausting and i need to break the cycle. Maybe this is the first step, just acknowledging it.
TL;DR: I start and sabotage basically every day and wonder what is so broken in me to cause this.
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