How do you deal with (unwanted) weight loss competition between partners? My fiancé said something that really hurt my feelings today and I don’t know what to do...
Some backstory: My fiancé and I have both been overweight since we met. We’re about the same weight but I’m a few inches taller than him (6’1) - I’ve got a large chest and he’s got a big stomach so we wear the same size shirt (xl).
He’s never tried to lose weight, but I’m constantly on a diet/working with trainers with little or slow success. Now that we’re stuck in the house he’s losing weight quickly. Before he would binge fast food daily and now is forced to eat healthy with me. I’m super proud of him and every day he gets on the scale he exclaims he’s lost more weight.
I on the other hand have kept my diet the same (around 1700 calories, a deficit for me, plant based whole foods) and got a Peleton that’s been helping me burn an additional 500 calories a day.
I have lost about 10 lbs at a rate of about 2.5 lbs per week- totally happy with that. But his weight loss is so drastic that it’s making me feel insecure. A few days ago I decided to cut my calories to 1300. This is tough for me since I’m active, but I feel this immense pressure to lose weight faster because he’s constantly talking about numbers on the scale. I don’t give him a daily number like he does with me but he’ll say “wow you’ve lost a ton of weight huh?” And in reality I’ve maybe lost a pound or stayed the same. For some reason it bothers me when he says that... like he wants me to discuss my weight with him, but I don’t because it makes me feel inadequate.
I got a shirt in the mail a few days ago that was a size smaller than what I wear. I told him about it but that I’d wear it once I lost a little more weight. Today he picks up the shirt and asks what size it is. I say “large” and he says “I’ll race you to it, whoever fits in it first gets to keep it”....
All I said was no, that’s not very fair. I was on the verge of tears because I know he’d get there before me and I’m happy he’s losing weight but it’s making me feel like a failure. It was just frustrating because I’m trying really hard to lose weight and succeeding, but because he’s dropping weight drastically he’s being competitive. I don’t think I want or need to restrict myself further to lose weight at his pace... I’m worried about how healthy it would be to be at that much of a deficit. But he’s at a HUGE deficit even with him being sedentary. I think he’s going from eating 3-4,000 calories a day to about 1800... I don’t know if I can do a deficit of 2200 calories a day...
Any advice from people who have dealt with competitiveness with people you live with? How do you find a healthy balance? I need some perspective for both my mental and physical health. I know tons of people who have lost weight with their spouses but I feel like they’re usually on the same page...
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