This time last year, I had a major wake-up call when I was filling out the ADA paperwork to be allowed to teach my college courses remotely. My BMI (over 50 at the time) meant I was eligible for accommodations. I definitely felt some shame as I ticked the "BMI over 30" box, but what really hit me was the question that followed. For the first time in my life, I had to put in writing that I had no idea whether I was going to stay that big forever. Did I have the willpower? Unknown. Did I have a solid understanding of the challenges that I would face? Unknown. Had anything changed from the dozens of times I had tried to lose weight before? Unknown. That word..."unknown"...really hit me harder than I can explain. I wanted to circle "temporary", but I didn't because I didn't trust that I could follow through. And so I circled "unknown" and it ate at me for about a week before I decided to try to make some changes. Baby steps at first, like being mindful of what I ate and trying to make substitutions for some of my less nutritious food choices. I started weighing myself daily at the end of June 2020, and from those little changes, I started to see the weight drop off. By the end of July, I was tracking my calories and bought some hiking boots to try to get a little more movement into my weekly routine. Now, a year later, I'm 104 pounds lighter and the uncertainty is gone. My obesity is not permanent, and I KNOW that I can see this through.
That's not to say that this has all been wine and roses. I have definitely had some hurdles, especially as I got closer to the 100 pound milestone. I have had significant struggles around plateaus and daily fluctuations, even though I know, rationally, that as long as I stick to my new habits, the weight will keep coming off. I know it sounds silly, but when I hit 221 pounds, I fantasized about the "weight loss fairy" showing up, congratulating me on my progress, and then magically erasing the last 60 or so pounds I still need to lose to get to a healthy BMI. (Spoiler Alert: There is no weight loss fairy, and I seem to have misplaced my "Lose 100 Pounds, Get 60 More Removed For Free" coupon somewhere.)
So what has changed for me this time around?
- Every calorie I consume is logged. (Coming up on my 365-day streak in MFP.) More importantly, every calorie I consume is logged without judgment. There are no "good" days or "bad" days. There are no "cheat" days. There are just days that I eat food and keep track of what I'm eating. More often than not, I eat within my calorie budget. If I go over...no big deal. I just log it. Switching my mindset away from restriction and negativity around certain foods has been one of the biggest changes I have made. Restriction is what drove my bingeing before, so it has no place in my life now. I can eat anything I want, as long as most days I keep within my calorie budget.
- I learned that if you zoom in too closely on your data, you miss the big picture. I weigh daily, which can lead to some frustration when my actions don't automatically show up on the scale. I still get an initial wave of frustration when I step on the scale and see an increase, but then I figure out what might have caused it. Did I eat more sodium than usual the day before? That's a guaranteed water weight increase for a day or two. Did I go harder than usual with my physical activity? That's a guaranteed water weight increase for about a week. Where am I in my monthly cycle? That's good for a couple of increases a month, too. You can't take a single day, or even a single week in isolation. If I look at my "big picture", I'm headed in the right direction.
- Eating fewer calories doesn't mean being hungry all of the time. There are so many lower-calorie, delicious foods out there, that I don't ever have to be hungry. If I'm feeling particularly famished, a 1-pound bag of broccoli slaw with 3 tablespoons of Thai peanut sauce, and a chicken breast comes in at well under 400 calories for a tasty, satisfying meal. When I'm feeling nibbly, I season and roast a bunch of chickpeas, or green beans, or whatever vegetable I have on hand, and can easily fill the void I used to fill with a whole bag of chips or package of cookies.
- I acknowledge that I will never be as good at estimating portions as my food scale is. Seriously...you think you can eyeball it. You may even use measuring cups and spoons. But nothing will ever be as accurate as a weight measurement. It might not be important for things like carrots, but for calorie-dense foods like peanut butter, nuts, or ice cream...it can make a huge difference.
- I keep a go-to supply of "alternatives" to some of my otherwise calorie-dense food choices. Feel like you need ice cream - keep some whipped yogurt in the freezer. (They even have a creamsicle flavor!) It's cold and sweet, and you can eat it right out of the freezer. More often than not, that does the trick. I have even managed to work riced cauliflower into my rotation, giving me the filling sensation of eating rice with much fewer calories. (The trick here is the sauce. Tex-Mex seasoning, curries, and even Buffalo sauce all do a great job of masking the cauliflower flavor.) Craving sweet? Have a cup of cinnamon tea before snacking to make sure that it isn't just an itch you need to scratch. Craving savory? Make a big mug of reduced-sodium broth and add in whatever seasoning floats your boat. (I am partial to all sorts of hot sauce.) And if those don't do the trick, there's nothing wrong with enjoying whatever you have a hankering for, as long as you keep it reasonable most of the time.
- Whenever possible, I reward myself for my hard work. Get that cute new outfit, even if it means shopping the clearance rack to save a little cash. Take a day trip. Get a massage. Get a hammock and read a book outside all afternoon. I justify the little splurges by remembering that I used to eat out 5 or more days a week. I have worked hard and deserve whatever nice things I can do for myself as acknowledgment of my efforts.
- Not everything that happens to my body is an improvement, but overall I'm in a better place. My neck...it is deflating like a 45-year-old balloon. It's not pretty. (Why, oh why, does it have to be so face-adjacent‽) My belly is squishy and weird. My thighs...ugh! But I can cross my legs now. I was able to finish a hike that I had to quit half-way through last fall. My resting heart rate actually looks like a resting heart rate. I don't panic about whether or not I'll fit in or even break a chair I have to sit in. I get that it can be hard not to focus on the stuff that isn't as perfect as you imagined it would be, but I can pretty confidently assure you that there are way more positive changes you can focus on instead.
- Everybody's journey is their own. I used to get really down on myself when I'd read a post here from someone who was lamenting being huge, even though "their" huge would be a major accomplishment for me. I have to remind myself that my goals are my own. My progress is my own. My successes and hurdles are my own. I don't have to be happy with anyone else's body as long as I am happy with myself.
- It is too easy to make excuses. I'm not usually one for sappy quotes, but I saw this early in my journey, and it has really stuck with me: "If you want to shrink the size of your 'butt', you need to shrink the size of your 'but'."
I'm sure there's more to share, but I'll save that for the post I make when I hit my goal weight. Thanks for reading. Wherever you are in your journey, the fact that you are spending time here means that you have a desire to succeed. I KNOW you have what it takes to do it!
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