I have been going to therapy for several months as I felt I had several mental blocks that were preventing me from losing weight again. I had a a very intense session with my therapist today related to weight loss and body image issues.
He stated his view how the gym should not be a “punishment.” How the gym should not be about me going and killing myself but to help relieve stress and break a sweat. He then made the statement that the gym will not help me lose weight, the kitchen is where you go to lose weight.
I told him I understood that it was still up to me to make sure my calories are under control, but the gym would help me with that by reducing my calorie total. He then stated that I could never work out enough at the gym to make for any amount of calories.
He also mentioned “starvation brain” and “starvation mode.” At this point I decided to take his views on calories with a grain of salt.
I continued nonetheless and stated how I disagreed that the gym should not be a “punishment.” I then let loose how I felt I needed to suffer as I felt it was only through perfection and suffering that I would get the ripped body I want.
I told him about how I lost 70 pounds in college and how unhappy I was because even though I could wear smaller clothes and looked skinny my “skinny fat” pouch of muffin top fat I still had around my stomach still made me feel disgusting and I felt I needed a more perfect body.
It is during this time that I discovered that even though my calorie counting did help me lose body mass, because I had not lifted weights and because I ate processed food that is why I was left with that gross pouch of fat.
Or at least that is what I understood after reading several fitness forums. It was at this time that I commented about how when it came to getting a good body there were so many different opinions and I just felt utterly lost.
I then commented about why I felt that any attempt at weight loss had to be perfect (as in a perfect diet, no cheats ever, hitting calories correctly always, and killing myself at the gym) because it was the only way to get the body that I felt I needed to truly get the happiness and relationship that I want. (I am a gay man)
I then commented about how this notion of “its the inside that matters” is a bunch of bullshit in my view because my online profiles where I try to showcase my personality are ignored. Even when I lost the weight, that never led to any more attention. That is why I am convinced that only six pack abs will get me what I want, but I am not sure if I have willpower to ever get there and that puts me in a never-ending spiral of resentment, regret, failure and shame.
I acknowledged that these thoughts were probably not healthy, but that is truly how I felt. We then ran out of time and he said we could discuss this more at our next session. It was distressing because I ranted about everything I hated dating and fitness, but I didn’t get to process it with my therapist and I won’t be able to until next week.
And now I have to come back to work and pretend nothing is wrong. I’m hoping writing this out will make me feel better
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