Hey there, guess I should introduce myself, I'm Michelle. I'm 24, 208lbs, 5'2" and I live in Dallas, TX. I've just joined y'all today. And I'm having a really rough day.
I guess where I'm starting from is first this weight of course, I've started hot yoga a week or so ago, and I've been trying to eat better/think about what I'm eating for the past 10 days. But I'm so depressed about it.
I have always felt it's been a little bit harder to exercise, I was born with cerebral palsy, but it is so mild that most people don't notice until I talk about it. It's an internal struggle, really. I just look like I walk with one tip-toe on the left and bend my knee a little. My left calf is half the size of my right. But inside, its painful to put that heel down, to run, to stretch, hell, even standing too long feels like I'm pulling something. That lack of fine motor control irritates me so much when I'm trying to be more active. Forget the pain, I'm just so upset that shit that's so easy for everyone else, like just to balance on my left leg, I cannot do even if I try for days and days.
And you know mental health & weight loss are connected, right, so like many of us, I've got some of that going on, too. I've had major depression and panic attacks over half my life. I developed PTSD from trauma by 18. And I'm just generally anxious and overthink all the time. I'm not really sure if I've developed an eating disorder, I just think of that as like anorexia or bulimia. But, I'm certainly not thin, nor do I purge after I binge. I do binge, then feel horrible after, but don't really purge. Sometimes, I'll just not eat at all after until I'm starving the next day or whatever. Rinse & repeat.
My diet isn't terrible. I don't drink sodas daily, I'll maybe have one or two in a month. I do drink coffee but not like Starbucks, I make my own espresso lattees/cappuccinos with 2% and no sugar. When I cook, on most nights, I always have veggies, I love broccoli, I love baking salmon, only "bad" stuff really is roasted potatoes or white rice. However, takeout is the big issue I think. Not so much fast food, that's only once a week or so, but I love thai food and ramen and stuff like that. Even at home, I will mimic that stir fry over rice or pad kee mao, e.t.c. I definitely overeat eating out, even if I take some home or tell myself just have half the plate, I feel like crap about it. And sweets.... that's it, I think. Always ending the night with something, if that's a bowl of cereal, half a pint of ice cream, a piece of pie, or even just a serving of chocolate almonds.
I do smoke weed, but I'm not like the typical stoner, per se. I used to smoke all day, eat lots of snacks, junk, but then after college & that I quit for 5 months or so and now I smoke one or two times with my boyfriend or friends in front of the TV before bed.
My boyfriend, since we've lived together, has lost a total of like 70 pounds. He claims its my relatively healthy cooking and him walking half an hour plus every day, but it just seems so much easier for him. Makes me a little sad, even though I'm really proud of him committing for his health. I know it's scientifically harder for women, but it seems REALLY hard, impossible for me to lose that much.
Maybe my goals are unrealistic? My feed is full of celebrity women, weight loss stories, links to videos of extreme weight loss and so on. I just feel so far behind the rest of the world.
My journey has been slow. A couple years ago, I was doing roller derby believe it or not, until I wound up both injured on my disabled "side" and not fitting in with the clique. They'd stick me on the "lazy fat" team or raise lap time requirements for tryouts and such. So moving out of town to transfer colleges seemed like the perfect farewell when really I beat myself up, stuck in that cycle of "I'm not good enough no matter how much I loved skating". Then, I got gastritis or something, I was unable to keep food down for my first semester at the new school. I lost 30 pounds from August to November or something, I was sleeping or in the bathroom basically. My professors wanted to try to talk to me but I didn't even know what was going on. When I couldn't keep water down, I went home and went to the ER. They told me it was probably gastritis, but could also just be anxiety. Which made me feel even worse. Slowly, I recovered, but started eating more because I felt like I'd missed out or something? I just remember going on those first dates with my boyfriend, and our shared love of good food. Austin is a great foodie city.
So, a year ago, I was trying to find an outfit for graduation, and just remember seeing 208 on the scale, and bursting into tears because the dress wouldn't fit, was way too small. I was all boobs and hips in the worst way. My boyfriend held me and said just like I was there for him, he'd support me in this, too. So, I went to this local medical center where they had a monitored weight loss program. The doc points out my cholesterol and whatnot, verbatim I remember "you are VERY overweight, you need to do something..." and so I went upstairs to their weight loss clinic. They showed me that I had to measure food, stop eating junk, count calories, weigh in every week and go over it, but they had a counselor that talked to me about it each week. I kinda miss that part. Even though I've been in therapy for a decade and just started EMDR.
I made progress at that clinic of about 30lbs , but I had to move back to Dallas. Im not sure if it's the depressing memories here, the common sedentary lifestyle, or the fact that pretty much the only entertainment besides going out drinking (which I hate) is to eat or shop. And shopping makes me miserable.
Sorry for the TLDR story, but I just would love some input or support.
What am I missing? Am I going in the right direction this time around? Do y'all feel how I feel? Am I completely screwing this up?
It's time for hot yoga again, I'd better go. But thank you for reading, I hope to hear some of your stories/advice/input. I think it might help me a lot
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