tl;dr - have spent years yoyo'ing with weight and diet. Trying to find the most sustainable way forward. Worried I'm lying to myself about needing to heal my relationship with food.
So I've been struggling with my weight for about 10+ years. I'm 5'9", 30 years old, and just under 200 lbs.
I've tried most diets over the years - south beach, Atkins, 21 day fix, vegan, Mediterranean, IIFYM, keto and on and on. I've also tried simply restricting calories and focusing on balance.
I have an intense emotional eating/binging problem. I hide food constantly. I lie constantly about how much I've eaten throughout the day. "Nissa, have you eaten dinner?" And I'll respond "no I haven't eaten all day" so that I'm not judged when I take a very large helping. I feel like food is the only thing that gives me comfort. I'm in therapy trying to unpack it all and I've been reaching out to registered dieticians as well.
The only diet that I've experienced significant weight loss on is keto. I lost 30 lbs over a 5 month period. This was 3 years ago. I looked great. Better than I had in years. But I really struggle with eliminating entire food groups and can never stick to it long term.
I've realized in therapy that I try diets, lose some weight, fall back into my emotional eating, and then gain the weight back plus more each time. My therapist suggested that I stop trying to diet and focus on mindful eating and repairing my relationship with food. Eventually she believes I can get to a space where I eat what I want (and it is a balanced/healthy way of eating) and sometimes indulge without feeling guilty. Right now every food decision I make is wrapped up in guilt/shame. And if I try to restrict, it triggers cravings and binging like you wouldn't believe.
So I've been trying to do that for a couple of months. I'm still not eating very healthy but I've stopped gaining weight.
However, I feel really uncomfortable at the weight I'm at and want to lose weight. I tried to download Noom and do their 2 week trial. I gravitated towards it since they don't technically make any food off limits. But as soon as I started tracking my food, I started feeling really anxious and it made me want to binge.
Part of me is worried that I'm making excuses to keep eating badly. I'm worried I'll never lose the weight.
Is there a way forward for someone who has the kinds of food issues I have? How do I change up my eating habits without triggering binges? Am I just being lazy?
As far as physical activity I'm pretty sedentary. Back when I was on keto I was doing running/hiit/yoga and working out 3-4 times a week. Now, I'm looking to start up yoga again and my husband and I want to start training for a 10k.
I just feel so full of self-loathing all the time. R/loseit, your advice is so very much appreciated.
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