Hello, I’ll start with post with my stats and plain goal. I’m 5’2, 17-18F, 123lbs. Highest was 155-160. Lowest was 115. I want to lose 10 pounds.
But all my life, my eating has been disordered in every way. As an autistic child, I would only eat one thing for years straight. Then I’d binge when I got bullied as a pre-teen. Then I’d binge/purge later on. Then I’d starve (Which is what led to my weight loss).
Despite being a healthy weight, I’m pudgy, and I want to be able to be a lower weight and maintain it. Problem is, I find it harder and harder to control myself around any food. School and studying used to be a great distraction that, although I starved at the time being, helped me. (School ended prematurely for me, and I was in my final year so no E-learning for me)
But the lockdown fucked it all up for me. And I’ve genuinely tried everything. I would try to plan healthy meals and stick to a healthy calorie budget. I would try to get back to IF. I would try to find alternatives to whatever craving. No matter what I do, at one point I lose control and gobble up everything until I’m painfully full, regardless of what food I’m having.
Exercising is very hit or miss for me. Because the lockdown and sent me back into the same deep depression that made me regularly suicidal a couple years ago, moving is a burden and I start hating it after 5 seconds, and then hating myself. On days where I do exercise, I constantly fear I’m not doing enough, or binge as a “reward”, then hate myself again.
(Also side talk, my go-to exercising method is doing step-ups on a foot long stool while watching an episode of an anime, then sometimes doing some moderate weight training for my upper body or following a workout video for the abs/legs on top, If i’m asked to go get groceries, I try to jog to the store (Not back though because the groceries get too heavy))
My environment is not great either. My parents are fine, but my younger brother, who is extremely annoying(Can’t blame him) and has sent me into panic attacks before due to overwhelm, which leads to stress binging.
The worst part is, I’m somewhat aware of my triggers towards binging: My brother is a trigger, sweet or fatty things, stepping into the kitchen, the subconscious need to “finish off something” and depressive episodes are triggers. Yet I keep binging as if I intentionally let the triggers, well, do their thing.
I’m also aware of my lack of willpower. My primary reasons behind weight loss was being confident during summer, and while I could adjust that to “being more confident after quarantine”, depressive thoughts come to mind like how there’s no point since there’s no certain date this will end and no one is seeing me anyway. In fact, I did adjust to that at first, but then I just became less motivated to keep it going, thinking if there’s a point.
I somewhat tried to open up to my mom. She forced me to tell my weight when I wasn’t comfortable, then gave me diet advice that I already knew. I know nutrition pretty well I think, It’s all a psychological stuff I suck at.
And I’m just in an extremely bad situation. I want to be able to find some balance with food and fitness while losing those 10 pounds. I want to find better ways to cope with stress and depression. Animal Crossing helps eat up like, a couple hours at a time, but then it returns because of the boredom. I fear doing certain hobbies like drawing because my brother might barge in and take over. Not to mention there’s my grandma, who will constantly urge me to eat.
(Second side note, my birthday is in a couple of days. That means cake and pizza. I’ll allow myself to indulge because it’s my birthday and I have no choice, all is planned out. Please excuse that)
So, what should I do? Honestly, if I lived on my own, I would’ve been able to manage this a lot better, but because I have no control over the food around me, I feel disgusting and helpless.
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