Hi everyone, I am a 21 y/o female, first time posting in this sub. I’m posting this out of sheer desperation- I’m so at my wits end trying to deal with my eating habits and I need advice.
I’ve always been obsessed with food. Sometimes I feel like it’s the only thing I really enjoy. I find it basically impossible to shop thinking about it. Simultaneously, the thing I want most in the world is to lose weight. Regardless of what else I achieve in life, because I am not as thin as I want to be I feel like I am failing.
My whole adolescent life I was pretty significantly overweight. Then when I was 18 I started going to the gym, going on long walks and counting calories. I lost about 50 pounds in around 6 months (out of around 65 that I wanted that I wanted to lose). In the three years since, my life has basically revolved around trying to lose those last 15 pounds, or at the least to maintain what I’ve already lost. My weight has fluctuated like crazy. I’ve always stayed pretty far below where I originally was, but this is because of periods of dieting followed by periods of overeating every day. I am very inconsistent, and on multiple occasions I’ve gained something like 10 pounds in the space of a month, then lost it again the next month. I feel like my obsession with weight loss has stopped me having the university experience I wanted. I’ve avoided social situations because I feel fat, I’ve said not to invitations out because of the likelihood that I’d consume lots of excess calories in alcohol and takeaway food- basically food has taken precedence over everything. I never ever stop thinking about what I’ve eaten that day, what I’m going to eat next etc etc
I kept telling myself once I got down to my goal I’d start doing more stuff, but now my degree is basically over (my uni like every else’s has shut down for the year because of Coronavirus) and, predictably, I never reached my goal and therefore never allowed myself to have a life.
I never thought of my eating as disordered, I saw myself as just a classic yo yo dieter with a lack of willpower who just loves food too much. I sometimes still think this, but I’m not sure whether the extent to which food dominates my life is normal.
On the rare occasions when I did go on nights out at uni, I got into the habit of allowing myself to go and get late night take away with my friends, then purging afterwards. This was up until recently something I only ever did when I was drunk, but in the last couple of months I’ve started doing it occasionally when I’m sober and I overeat. I don’t do it that often, maybe once, maximum twice per week. I don’t even do it every time I eat too much, just when I feel especially guilty, and when I have the opportunity. I know it’s dangerous, I know I shouldn’t make it a habit. But my head keeps on telling me that it is logical, that because I crave food constantly and I overeat so often, this is the only way I can maintain my weight. The lockdown situation is making this all ten times worse. I can’t stop thinking about food, I can’t distract myself from cravings. I just want to eat anything and everything all the time, and I can’t help thinking that purging will be an effective ‘get out’ clause.
I just can’t see myself ever having a normal relationship with food. I can’t just ‘eat intuitively’ because there has quite literally never been a time in my life when I ate the right amount for my body over a sustained period of time. I think I was about 9 years old when I first started to gain weight. Now I am technically a healthy weight, but i feel like my current body is on loan to me, like gaining all that weight back is basically inevitable. I feel like I am a fat person in a thin body.
Will I ever be able to have a ‘normal’ relationship with food? Do I have a problem or do I just lack willpower? How do I resist the temptation to purge when it seems like such an obvious solution to this thing I have wrestled with my whole life? Can I get down to the weight I want in a healthy way?
Any advice is appreciated, hope everyone is well and staying safe
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