I was overweight my entire childhood. Obese, really. (My grandmother took care of me when I was too young for school, and let me tell you, daily trips to the McDonalds drive-through do not get a kid off to the best start.) After a couple decades of mental health issues and binge eating I finally got it together and lost over 80 pounds by closely monitoring my diet and exercising regularly. Oh and developing a pretty big case of bulimia.
I then took the weight loss to the other extreme, eventually being diagnosed as anorexic at one point. It’s a sign of how sick I was, but at the time the diagnosis felt like a badge of honor. But after fainting in public a few times and finally being taken to the ER I realized exactly what I was doing to myself (maybe I hit my head that last time I fainted lol) and got professional psychiatric help. I managed to maintain a healthy weight for over five years without dipping back into unhealthy habits on either end of the disordered eating spectrum.
HOWEVER. I moved cross-country by myself three years ago, and since the move the weight has been slowly piling back on. For a long time I tried to ignore what I saw in the mirror and how tight my clothes were getting, as I let my eating restrictions loosen and became almost entirely sedentary outside of work. I’m in NJ and during the height of the COVID-pocalypse gained about 30 pounds during quarantine alone. I had gained back all 80 pounds I’d lost and then some, bringing me to the heaviest I’ve ever been.
Idk exactly which straw it was that finally broke the camel’s back, but about three weeks ago I decided I’m sick of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I looked up my TDEE and try to keep my intake to around 12-1500 calories (34F, 5’7”, SW 240 lbs). I logged into MyFitnessPal for the first time since cough 2017 and have been tracking my caloric intake religiously. I also invested in a stair-stepper, treadmill, and weight set for my apartment since gyms here may never open again (and I loathe outdoor exercise), and have been working out regularly throughout the week.
In the last three weeks I’ve lost nearly 8 lbs. I know this is a relatively good, sustainable pace. I know it took years to put the weight on, so I can’t expect to lose it in a matter of weeks. And most of all I know I need to ignore that little devil on my shoulder reminding me how much faster the weight would come off if I severely restricted my intake, over-exercised, and purged the few things I did eat.
How do I ignore that voice telling me to take the shortcut? How do I put aside the fear that I’m going to overdo it again and get myself into a really dark place mentally and physically? If anyone else has had similar struggles with both ends of the disordered eating spectrum I’d love to hear how you cope.
Sorry this ended up being so long, I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading ❤️
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