TL:DR: For three years I’ve been mourning the loss of my dad and using over eating, over drinking and generally just being unhealthy and using bad coping mechanisms. Those unhealthy habits have resulted in me going from 148 lbs. to 230 lbs. in three years but I am committing to getting back on track for real.
I’ve lurked on this sub for a while and this is a long post but I just want this to be on the internet so I can come back to it and keep myself accountable.
Three years ago I weighed 148 lbs. and wanted to get to 130, I just finished my graduate communications program on August 8 and was looking forward to job hunting and finding a career in an industry I had just discovered and loved. I was no longer going to be miserable at a dead end job that did not pay me enough. I finished my program on a Wednesday, to celebrate a little on Friday I went with my best friend to see the movie Clue at Hollywood Forever Cemetery for their “Out Under the Stars” movie series. Then on Saturday August 12 all my optimism came crashing down around me because my dad dropped dead at 65 of a massive cardiac episode; I have been using unhealthy coping mechanisms ever since. Now three years later I now weigh 230 lbs. and I am so upset and angry at what I have done to myself.
Growing up I had always been fat and obese but when I went to college I started eating better and walking everywhere and lost weight eventually weighing around 150 lbs. when I graduated in 2013, with my starting weight being around 210 lbs. in 2009. I thought I had a handle on what was healthy and not for myself. From 2013 to 2017 I would fluctuate between 135 lbs. and 150 lbs. usually being somewhere between 140 lbs. and 150 lbs., but I did weigh up to 165 lbs. at one point.
I know how to lose weight and what I am supposed to do because I’ve done it before, but I struggle with motivation and self-loathing. I look at my beautiful closet full of clothes that I can’t fit into because I have eaten too much and drank too much alcohol over the course of these few years. I’ll find motivation for brief periods of time and work out super hard, track calories, do what I’m supposed to do; then look in the mirror and lose all enthusiasm because I miss the thinner, better looking version of myself and get angry at what I’ve done and go further from my goal because I feel it’s taking too long.
Part of why I’ve used food and alcohol as coping mechanisms is because I was really close with my dad, most of my personality traits come from him. My dad was less than a year into his retirement when he died, and his death surprised even his cardiologist. He was not the healthiest as he had been a smoker ever since he was 19 and shipped off to serve in the Vietnam War and was obese but was working on it since he had free time. In fact, he was actually losing weight prior to his death.
My dad taught me how to work hard, what sacrifice meant, what determination is, and I’ve failed.
I have failed at sustaining my previous weight loss.
I have failed to break into the industry I wanted to work in for which I earned a masters degree.
I have failed to place my health first.
I have failed and I’m tired of being a failure.
So on the third year anniversary of his death I am committing myself to getting my act together.
I know what to do I just have to do it and be patient with myself.
It’s just hard to be patient and kind to myself when I feel like I don’t deserve it.
I will always miss my dad but I can’t continue with what I’ve been doing these past few years. I am 29 years old and I still have time to get to where I want to be emotionally, physically, health wise and career wise.
If you’ve read this far you are a very nice person and I appreciate you.
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