Tldr at bottom// if I'm breaking rules, I'm sorry
It pretty much started when I got pregnant for the first time. I was about 280 or so after I had my kiddo, got down to about 220/230 and got pregnant again. After I had kiddo number two, again I had managed to get back up to 280. I breast fed, I worked out, I managed my diet (not too well), and managed to get back to a solid 220 again. For about two years.
Then, I decided enough was enough and I managed to get down to 150. (At the beginning I did have a 'kick start' from an appetite suppressant prescribed by my doctor) but I was doing great and losing more all the time. I had changed my diet completely using the 'whole 30' diet, and was off the suppressant for quite a while, so the loss wasn't totally thanks to a pill. About 60 pounds of it was my efforts. Including running, which I absolutely love to do.
And then, I had a devastating rift in my marriage. I gained it all back. After having baby number 3, I tried to get back into my routine of healthy eating and exercise, I just can't seem to get into it. I'd like to just say, I'm not blaming my weight totally on the pregnancies, just that while pregnant I was totally miserable and definitely ate like crap constantly. It was my fault.
But now I'm here.
Four months ago, I moved states, and during the move (with three kids) we ate out a lot for about a week straight and some time after we were getting settled into the new house. The next thing I know, I've gained 20 pounds, putting me back to the wretched and haunting 220. Again.
Over the last four months my mental health had declined dramatically. I was diagnosed with bipolar depression and am on and off new meds trying to find one that works, on top of typical and unique stresses. Everytime I start to lose, I plunge back down into junk food again. Not to mention, I don't run anymore which is really making me feel worse.
It's really starting to get discouraging, especially when my family sees me and constantly asks how my diet is going. (We were all doing dieting together, so they're not just being rude) Tomorrow, (again) I'm going to try to start eating healthy again. It's getting to the point where I don't even believe it anymore. I'd really like some encouragement, but I also feel that by posting here I'm going to be held accountable for something I don't know if I can do. But it's becoming such a problem, I don't even want to look in the mirror anymore.
Any help, advice, or encouragement is greatly appreciated.
I'm really sorry for the long post, formatting, etc. But it does feel nice to at least get this all off my chest.
Tldr: after a significant weight loss, I'm back to my starting weight, and depression seems to be keeping me there.
Edited to try and fix format a little.
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