I’ve recently lost about 25-30 lbs and am hoping to lose about 30 more. I am very much enjoying watching the fit of my clothes change because I find it encouraging. But on the flip side, I am becoming obsessive about other aspects of my appearance that never much mattered to me before.
I was naturally thin and pretty up until my mid-20s, so I was used to feeling beautiful with air-dried hair and little makeup. I’m now realizing that I never really paid much attention to my grooming routine or nitpicked any physical flaws as a result. I remember thinking, “Being confident and happy is enough to look beautiful, why fuss with yourself.”
When I gained all of the weight in my mid- and late- 20s, I continued my minimalist approach, but wasn’t “pulling it off” anymore. I didn’t really notice the decline in my attractiveness until people started treating me differently, frankly. I was depressed and already married to someone who loved me for who I was, so I essentially hid from myself and accepted that I wasn’t widely appealing anymore.
I decided to make a change this year for my health, self-esteem, and marriage. Now that I’m on the road back, I can’t stop noticing all of these other things that apparently always needed “fixing”. Crooked teeth, stretch marks, assymetrical breasts, soft flabby arms, dull hair. I know fixing these WOULD make me look better, but it would just mean more money and time spent on a lifelong vanity routine. I miss feeling happy in my own skin. Is the hyper-critical attitude just part of the weight loss package? Am I going to reach my goal and not even feel better?
Maybe the problem is that I’m expecting to arrive back at my mid-20s self, not a new unknown 30 yo version of me. I have no idea what she’s meant to look like. Struggling to find a balance and not feel despondent while I’m making the progress I always wanted to make.
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