hi. I am 22/F/5'4"/???. I was on a weight loss journey early this year and then had a severe mental health decline. With it was a horrendous backtrack with fitness progress. I have gone up a size, I can see it in the mirror. It horrifies me. I only look in the mirror when I can't avoid it. I've become obsessive about it. I don't know how to explain the severity of my mental state with it right now. But it's bad. And I feel like I'm barely holding onto myself. I feel very close to giving up.
I just know that if I find out the number and it's over a certain number it's going to be too hard to handle. I am very worried about what will happen to my mental state and to my progress of slowly getting back onto my feet if I find out the number and it's what I'm fearing. I'll be crushed.
The problem is that the nurse at my doctors office (very small practice) says the number out loud. Last time I went, I did not look, but she said it out loud anyway, and it was very embarrassing and hurtful. I have been eaten up with anxiety about the idea that she is going to do it again. Not because other people might hear. But because I truly and deeply do not want to know. I do not think that there is anything good from knowing for my mental state. I have been slowly getting back on track starting this week but I ONLY use tape measurements because of how discouraging and overwhelming the scale is for me. I am so anxious and worried she is going to do this and that I will have to find out that I feel very tempted to cancel or postpone. But I don't want to do that. I want to go.
Has anyone had similar experiences? Is there a nice way to try and ask that that doesn't happen this time?
Please be nice. I know this is unhealthy. But everyone heals at their own pace. Short-term, knowing the number is not going to do anything good for me and is only going to make it harder.
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