TLDR, my mom has always been extremely health-driven. She is a very fragile and small lady and likes to constantly comment that she can't gain weight no matter how much she eats. She judges food I eat constantly and labels food as 'good' or 'bad', makes snide comments when I go out to enjoy a meal with friends, and incessantly fat-shamed me for the entirety of my high school experience after I gained weight due to thyroid medications. She swore by avoiding fast food, high sodium, basically anything that had to do with processed foods, and only ate at home. She was basically a granola mom. I was never medically overweight, I'm 5'6 123 lbs now and my heaviest was around 145, but that wasn't understood at all by my mother, who is around 98 lbs. I had always told her throughout high school that I was going to lose weight, to which she told me to just stop trying since I didn't have the 'drive' or motivation to lose the weight anyway.
I don't think I ever had a healthy relationship with food, and the fact that I've lost around 20 lbs in the past 3 months has definitely made it worse. When I told my mom that I'd lost weight but can't eat the foods I used to enjoy without feeling immense waves of guilt, she congratulated me instead of expressing concern. When I told my mom that I was eating around 800-900 calories a day, she told me to just 'stop thinking that way' and to eat more 'good' foods. Seriously, what's with people putting moral labels on food? Nowadays, I deal with severe anxiety when I'm invited to go out to eat because not knowing the precise amount of calories plagues my head with the thought of overeating or eating over my deficit, even though I'm on the brink of starvation. The thought of cheat days haunts me and thinking about upping my caloric intake to maintenance after I hit my goal weight sounds like a nightmare. I've limited my daily foods to basically 15 foods and feel extreme paranoia if I eat out or eat something that doesn't have a number attached to it. As much as I don't want to say I have an eating disorder, I'm pretty sure I do. I'm pretty sure my weight loss motivation is fueled by my mother's snide remarks and catty responses to my weight gain these past few years. I don't know how to stop this and it feels like things are spiraling out of control :( Also, as much as myfitnesspal helps you count your calories, I'm beginning to think it's making me restrict more. Things suck.
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3ApXgBQ
No comments:
Post a Comment