These last few weeks, like so many others I've been struggling with food. I suffer from mental illness on top of obesity, and have always had issues with food. Spending all this time in isolation has been SO hard. I've been eating garbage, I've been eating too much, and I've been disappointing myself. It's been a MESS. 4 days ago I decided FUCK this - I've worked too hard to give up on myself because things are hard right now. I deserve to feel good about myself, I deserve to feel healthy, I deserve a better life.
My issue has always been this - I either eat nothing all day and stay within my calorie limit which has always been really hard to do, or I eat too early and blow through my calorie limit and go way over it. For the last few weeks I've been eating too much too early.
So this is what I did: the day before yesterday I fasted for 24 hours. I got through it by drinking a lot of water and ... because it's my crutch... (I know it's terrible and for some people would negate the fast lol) 2L of Diet Coke. When I woke up the next morning, I felt SO good mentally and physically. It was WEIRD how good I felt about myself. I was so proud that I did it.
The thing is, I'd never been able to fast before. I have tried a thousand times. I've tried stupid, weird, crazy restrictive diets like 1 apple a day and I was never able to get past like... 5 hours lol. I always gave up on myself and told myself I was incapable of self control. But I DID IT this time! It has changed me so completely. It's been like a full reset on my relationship with food and myself. I know now that I can TRUST myself. I know that I am capable of staying within my calorie limit, that I don't have to give in to my urges. I know that I have the discipline to keep going and to take care of myself. Also I know now that I need to stick to OMAD because it's been the most helpful to my weight loss so far, and I am more confident in my ability to do this now that I know I can fast longer than that.
Here's a recap of everything I have done that's helped me lose 51lbs in 8 months:
- The very first thing I did was completely cut out dairy and oily foods, and then I moved into my own apartment and only stocked rice, canned diced tomatoes in herbs and spices, frozen vegetables, garlic (so much garlic), onions, spices, herbs, Italian dressing, balsamic vinaigrette, chicken breasts, and occasionally deli meat and dark rye bread with low-fat mayonnaise (I have a lot of digestive issues that's forced such a limited diet on me until I figure out what's going on).
- I ate 2 times a day in the beginning - usually lunch consisted of snack foods like Larabars, apples, and sometimes tortilla chips and Herdez salsa. Dinner was either dark rye bread with canned diced tomatoes, or about 2 cups of frozen vegetables with rice and chicken. In January I switched to only eating 2 cups of frozen vegetables with rice and chicken a few times a week (but I had a few issues end of January and into February which kind of drove me off the rails into junk food territory. I'm back on this again though).
- I only cook in balsamic vinaigrette or Italian dressing because they are considerably lower in calories and taste better than olive oil or any other kind of oil in my opinion (but you have to make sure you shake the bottle or you will have a higher concentration of oil in your measurements).
- In mid December last year when I was about 196lbs, I started calorie counting. Once I started this my weight loss progressed a lot faster (I started losing weight in June) and I lost 22lbs from December 16 to April 2nd (5 lbs in December, 3lbs in January, 2.8lbs in February, 6lbs in March, and 1.5 lbs so far in April (bc of that fast)). You can tell by the smaller losses in January and February that I started slacking. Mostly it was stress from university and honestly not seeing enough of a change on the scale pissed me off so I kind of gave up on myself for a bit.
- I started walking every single day (started in September). I have always loved walks, so it wasn't difficult for me to start doing this regularly, and it stopped being hard to do pretty quickly. From January to beginning of March, about once a week I'd also go on an hour long walk through the city just for fun. It was a lot easier during the school year because my walk to classes was 20 minutes and more convenient than the bus, but since the whole world shut down due to the pandemic, I find I'm only going for a short walk about once a week which has really been shitty on my body because I got so used to walking.
- I let myself eat chips once or twice a month, and when I make a mistake and binge I get back up and keep going. In February I took a bit of a break because I was so stressed out. Ate a lot of chips. Chips are....... impossible. It's SO weird, because I thought it takes 21 days to break a habit, but I went 4 months without eating chips and then one night I felt the craving SO bad and since then I've just had to fit them in my diet. Chips are bad for the body, but restricting yourself from the things you love will only set you up for failure. When you're stressed out and life is garbage, sometimes you just really fucking need chips. Just don't keep a stockpile of them in your home and only buy 1 big bag once a month. Apply this to whatever food you can't kick lol. In general just have a day or 2 where you let yourself eat what you want. I didn't allow myself to do this for about 4 months because I knew if I did, I would just fall off the wagon completely. Some people can do it without denying themselves the good stuff, though - I have just never had the self control.
- I bought a digital scale in February. This has been so important for accountability. If I see that the number hasn't gone down for about a week, it makes me feel sad and frustrated at first, but then I remind myself that I have lost so much weight already and I'm closer to my goal than where I was before. It kind of instills this power within me, that drive I need to push through the disappointment I feel.
I hope you guys are taking care of yourselves and not being too hard on yourself about needing a break from calorie counting, exercising, and whatever else. Sometimes the healthy thing to do is to just be easy on yourself and appreciate that you are trying your best and the world is in such a crazy and weird place right now.
I'm sure a lot of people are suffering from greater vitamin D deficiency as well, which definitely doesn't help things. If you don't take vitamins, you should look into some good and reliable brands that are well-known, safe, and reliable. I think the best ones for people to take right now are vitamin D and Omega-3. I take 2 Webber Naturals 900mg omega-3 most days because it has helped my mood disorder and anxiety as well as sleep. You need to make sure that your omega-3s are IVO verified and enteric softgels because many Omega-3s on the market are packaged really badly and are contained in capsules that don't allow proper absorption, or contain fish oil that is badly sourced and/or not the amount you actually need. Happens with a lot of vitamins with a lot of brands. I also try to take prenatal vitamins (weird bc I'm not pregnant and never want to be, but my doctor told me to take them because I'm low on iron and a lot of other things). Thinking about getting some vitamin D considering how Very Inside I am now lol.
Anyway!! In summation: I'm proud of myself and every day I feel a tiny bit more confident in my body. I notice new changes every day, and it's exciting, and I like what I see in the mirror now! I actually LOOK in the mirror now lol. I spent 10 years avoiding all mirrors, and now I can look at myself and see a human being that deserves health, happiness and love. It's a shame that I didn't see that before, because my past self at 225lbs deserved all of that, too. She deserved a lot better. I wish I could go back and hug her - especially the first day of university last fall, when I stood in front of a full-length mirror for the first time in years and saw a massive ugly fat troll looking back at me. I was so ashamed of who I was, and I want to cry just thinking about it. I love that girl so much now. I wish I could go back and tell her that it would be okay, and that she is capable of doing anything that she puts her mind to.
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