Hey guys, I'm Nicki and I've been lurking this thread for a while because seeing others succeed and have the same struggles as I do can be really uplifting. I felt like posting today because I feel like a failure and can never really open up to friends who don't know how it feels to be obese/overweight for sooooo long. Sorry in advance for any mistakes, I was born in the USA and did learn english through my mom who lived in the USA for a long time, but I don't have to use it as often, growing up in Germany.
A bit of backstory: I was raised by a single mom with two other siblings and I gained weight quickly with 11 years old (loneliness maybe? idk), so quickly that for the first time my grandma talked to me about it. My lovely grandmother worried about me and took me to the doctor. I got on the scale and weighed about 250 lbs/115 kg at about 5'5 ft.
Soon after that I got sent to a psychosomatic clinic. A lot of exercise everyday and getting taught how to limit food intake. It was easy for me with the guidance the clinic workers gave me and I lost 22 lbs in a month. After that I did manage to lose more weight on my own without much help from family members, but everyone knew I wanted to continue my weight loss journey. When I turned 16 or 17, I reached 165 lbs, my lowest weight ever. I wasn't happy with my weight then, I still hated my body, hated myself, felt like I didn't do enough. I could hold my weight just fine because life was alright and stabile, although not perfect.
Then I moved in with an abusive boyfriend and things started to go downhill. He kicked me over night (even though I payed rent, I did not want to get physically hurt anymore) out after a year and a half and I moved back to my mom's place. My mom's mental health started to get really bad (started smoking again after more than 10 years of quitting, started smoking weed and got diagnosed with bipolar disorder after more than one time of staying at psychiatric clinics) and I had to stay in my aunt's small apartment with my two older siblings. We don't really get along. Food started being my safe place again because of the loneliness and sadness, lacked motivation and I didn't have a space for myself where I could workout, nor did I have the money to afford a gym card and my lungs hurt when I tried going for a jog.
So I gained weight back. I was back at 185 lbs. Once again, my grandmother helped me out of the situation and found a small place I could afford with the small money I earned. I still felt lonely and abandoned and didn't start working out until April this year, one and a half year after getting my own place. I found Chloe Ting's workout programs and saw all the people who found success while doing her workouts and gave it a shot. I love her and her programs so much and I still do them at the moment! I'm happy I found hope and strength again to continue my weight loss journey. But some days, like today I just feel like starving myself so I can stop dealing with it faster. I won't do it of course, but it's always in the back of my mind.
I'm at 178 lbs now and hope I can maybe reach my goal weight (130-140 lbs) at the end of this year. I try to eat 1400-1500 calories every day, even though it's hard and feeling alone makes me want to binge VERY often. I know I can't change the past anymore but I can try to stay strong enough and continue losing weight so I can finally feel healthy and comfortable in my skin in the near future.
I know, my boring story is probably way too long and I'm not a good writer when talking about personal stuff. But if you read this far, thanks for being a part of this community and showing me that I'm not alone with these problems. Good luck with your journeys and I love you all! I hope I can share my before and after pictures with you guys very soon. I don't have any at my highest weight (thanks to self-hatred and all), but will definitely include ones of my current weight.
Have a good day <3
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/30bz46E
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