Hey, I know this is gonna be something of a downer, I'm sorry about that, but this has been probably the worst day I've had in months and I need to vent/seek support of any kind.
4 years ago I went from overweight to morbidly obese, I topped out around 400lbs late last year. Since covid started, I've been making a concerned effort to lose weight and get outside so that I don't die if I catch the thing (I'm 28, but still, risk factors are risk factors). In March my lease was up, I saw the writing on the wall for Covid and refused to quarantine alone, so I moved home. Brother came back from (out of state) to stay with us so it was really great having us all together. Around that time I started biking, and I discovered a new love in my life, running Dungeons and Dragons games. I'd never really played before so I started playing online and it did WONDERS for my mood and headspace.
cut to 3 months later (June): I have a new plan to grow a social following based on my personal skills that (accidentally) sync up real well with my Dungeon Master skills. I started biking about 3 times a week in April and have been consistently loosing weight. At this point I'm down to 378 lbs. I plan to keep working while growing my online brand. Then I lost my job. 50/50 Covid and my mistakes. Hence losing my health insurance. I decide to take a month off to think about my next moves as I have plenty of cash.
Well...BP medecine ran out 3 weeks ago and I have no health insurance, getting out of bed is difficult these days let alone working up the stomach to go to a doctor and be told I'm still failing (I know, bad mindset, I'm not in a great place). When I lost my job, 3 weeks later I lost my 3 games I was running to states opening up. So goodbye financial stability and goodbye social support. My irl friends I had to leave behind years ago as they got me into some terribly drug/drinking habits that have lead me to my current status.
So today, I had to sign up for ACA health care, folks asked what my meds were...I had to tell them my status, I got very dissapointed looks, now I'm sitting at my computer thinking "what good am I? am I worth anything? is this weight loss even going anywhere???" sure enough, it has! I'm down to 354. I've lost almost 50lbs in a little over half a year. So WHY isn't everything else doing better??? I've always thought my life was bad because of my weight issue, but my life is just as bad or worse then ever before. I know this is horrible mentality, but I always thought the weight issue is what was crushing the rest of my life, but now that this issue is starting to lift, nothing else is getting better/easier............I feel so directionless. so lost. I was the most motivated i was in my entire adult life 2 months ago, now...I binge watch shows I've already seen and sadly play skyrim, with occasional bikes through the woods and sessions of staring into my hands thinking about ending my suffering.
I'm sorry about this post. I just don't know who to tell any of this to and I needed to write it all down. Fuck me I'm worthless, yet I know I'm not, but then why won't this voice stop shouting that at me? I have to go upstairs and have dinner with them soon, I don't want to sit quietly staring at my food bowl while I'm given this long lecture on my irresponsibility. But that's my future in 30ish minutes.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3jhxx5E
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