I have always been overweight, and I’ve tried everything over the past 15 years to change that. Keto, cleanses, juice fasts, all sorts of supplements. I struggled so much with binging and emotional eating. I always liked myself, I just wanted to feel better. This year, I made incredible progress on my relationship with food through working through other issues with a great therapist. I learned a lot about how to sit with my feelings and identify them and address them.
I realized I thought about traumatic or difficult times in my life through weight milestones - I was this weight when this happened. I was this weight when I left there. As I worked through baggage, it became clear to me that my weight was related to these personal events and that for me, in working past them, I had to also address that connection.
I recently found a lifestyle that works for me. I lift weights, exercise, and eat well cooking mostly all my own food. I’m losing weight fairly fast. So far, I’ve lost 20lbs since mid-May. I’m over halfway to my total weight loss goal. And I don’t feel how I thought I would.
I feel vulnerable, like the wind could pick me up and carry me away. I feel totally unprotected. It’s intimidating and anxiety-inducing. And that has shown me so much about why my eating habits were the way they were, why every time I noticed had lost a little weight I would immediately binge until I was back to my original weight, and why it took me this long to break past that.
I’m sharing my thoughts in the hopes this clarifies things for someone struggling with the same issues. Since I started in this direction, my thoughts and feelings towards food have changed completely. I never dreamed I could not have binges on bad days or actually eat just 1 oreo and feel like yeah, I’m good. That’s the one part of this process that hasn’t totally intimidated me and the most freeing part.
It’s scary but I’m not gonna stop. Gonna keep going to keep healing my relationship with food and finding out more about who I am without the guard up. It’s just much harder than the exercising and eating right part.
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