I have always been heavy. People tell me when I was a little girl, I’d always over eat and I was picky and stubborn with my food. I was scared to try new foods. I ate the same junk for years and years. I started 2020 at maybe 335(?) but I was impressed I maintained the same weight for a year. August 2020, I am 380+ and can hardly walk.
When quarantine hit, I laid in bed all day and ordered fast food off of door dash. When I didn’t do that, I’d eat frozen food. I didn’t give a fuck about my weight or my exercise. I fucked myself up so bad. I covered all the mirrors in my apartment so I couldn’t see myself. I let my apartment become unacceptably trashed. I couldn’t clean anything cause I didn’t have the energy to.
Now, I am moving back home because I realized I have no idea how to take care of myself (and the house I’m living in is going to be sold) Everyone is disappointed in me. But a few remain supportive that I’ll change for the better.
I’ve become so paranoid that my family absolutely hates me. I’ve started becoming suspicious of friends too. I blocked some for no reason.
My mental health has gone completely down the drain. I’ve started having panic attacks. And yes, I am seeing a therapist. I would’ve ended my life already if it wasn’t for my amazing and always supportive long distance boyfriend. He is the only thing that’s holding me together and gives me some type of hope for the future. He’s so worried about me though.
I also impulsively quit my job the other day. I worked there for 4 years and I just stopped going. I just couldn’t take all the bullshit there anymore.
Today while my father was helping me move some belongings over to his house, he pointed out how hard it was for me to walk and how I look like I’m walking on the sides of my feet. He stopped me and started crying. The “I’m so angry this is happening to you” kind of crying. He said no one would respect me if I can’t respect myself and he said how worried he is for me. He also said I’m gonna break my ankles if I keep walking like that. I’ve never seen my father cry like that.
I’m here, crying on my couch wondering how the fuck I let myself get like this. How I let my life get to this point. I have nothing going for me but the fantasy future of my partner and I being together.
Forgot to mention, since June, I’ve been in contact with the weight loss surgeons. I have an endoscopy on Friday. But I haven’t lost any weight because I’ve been too stressed about my everything else to care.
I need help. Advice? Support? Anything. How am I supposed to exercise if I can’t even walk? How do I stop binging? How do I ween myself off of fast food? I’m absolutely desperate for any advice or criticism.
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