The last time I weighed myself (a year or so ago at a hospital) I was 486lbs. and can feel that I've put on weight since, so I'm just going to call it 500lbs., though it might actually be even more by now.
I was always the fat kid growing up, and was always made to feel it. Self-consciousness was around as far back as I can remember- I was skipping swim and gym classes from a very young age. I never had a set group of friends growing up and would always drift from one group to the next, always conforming to what I thought the others wanted of me, instead of letting my own self shine. This was a very dangerous thing for a young kid to do, because it got to the point where I lost my own voice while trying to appease everyone around me. My own inner-dialogue became tainted.
So for a long time I knew the psychological component of being morbidly obese was catastrophic on my ego and development, but was thankful to at least not have any major physical issues (short of excessive sweating and running out of breath more easily)... but now, in my 31st year, that has really started to catch up with me, and suddenly I'm in all sorts of horrible pain every day which I think the majority of humans would have a very hard time tolerating. The pain is all over, but most notably in my hips, legs, and chest. I absolutely hate walking and just cannot bring myself to do it, because after a couple short minutes I get severe leg pain... and that's even with my $500 custom orthotics which I recently got... they must be a scam, or perhaps I was just expecting far too much of them (thought walking would hurt less with them). As much as I hate walking and as painful as it is, nighttime is the worst lately. Bed/sleep used to be my one respite from my aching days, but the past couple months it has become the bane of my days. It is the time when both my various physical ailments as well as psychological distress gang up on me. So what I do is just stare into my phone for hours and hours until I'm too physically drained to stay awake another moment longer. But the sleep is of extremely poor quality and very short-lived, for I'm awake usually no more than 2-3 hours later usually due to extreme pain around my gut/ribs and shoulder, or due to difficulty breathing. I eventually get back to sleep for another couple hours and then spend the day like a zombie, hardly waiting for the next moment I get to lay down.
I've posted under various subreddit's over the years using various accounts, either just venting or trying to get help. I was in very expensive therapy for three years, but didn't take anything away, other than the realization that all the fixes to all of our issues are entirely within ourselves... it's just up to use to actually do something with this realization. Easier said than done of course. I've posted in this sub and the intermittent fasting one several times before, each time with more conviction than the last, saying this time I'm really finally ready. But I think this time it's really, finally, for real... because I simply cannot continue living with these constant aches and pains, which aren't just small ones I can overlook, but rather substantial ones, which, again, I think majority of people would simply not be able to live with. I am not a functional human. I have no job, no sex life (never did), no movement (I'm sedentary), and any hopes/dreams/ambitions I once had left me a long time ago. I always thought I had all the time in the world to get in shape and start living my life, but life just flies by so fucking quickly and does an excellent job at humbling you. I missed out on so many birthright moments growing up and missed seizing the best years of my life which I'll never be able to regain. There's no time machine yet.
I am ready for this. I just have no idea where to begin. I am hoping you might be able to help me.
I've seen a couple doctors already this year for some health issues I was having, but we never really talked about weight loss (other than one of them suggesting bariatric surgery, which I don't want to do- I am intent on doing it "naturally"). I don't want you folks to tell me to talk to a doctor first or anything, because I won't. I just want to get started immediately. I fucking love food and spend so much of my time looking forward to what hyped up new restaurant I'll try next, or which favourite restaurant I'll get my next meal from, etc. I do have a penchant for sodas, but am a lot lot better than I used to be (will have maybe 2-3 a week now vs 2-3 a day before... but mostly drink water). Of course I'm aware even those 2-3 a week will have to go- frankly, that's not much of a concern for me right now. My one big concern is the exercise which I know will be necessary. I'm so heavy that the smallest exertion of energy really takes everything out of me, and I hate being in pain so much. No pain, no gain, I know... Should I just take painkillers or something to get past it? Because I'd seriously consider that just so that I don't feel the pain, which is already so great even when I'm resting.
Please just help me. Tell me what to do. I'm guessing it'll have to start with diet, and that's great- I'm ready.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3cemqJJ
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