Hi everyone. This post is humiliating to make (to say the least) so please keep negative comments either constructive or to yourself. This account isn't a throw away but it will be used solely for weight loss documentation (fingers crossed).
I'm 18F and I've struggled with weight and crippling insecurity my entire life, but it didn't develop into a full-blown ED until around the time I was turning 16. As a kid, I was chubby but insanely active and always outside (gymnastics, on the trampoline, running, walking, etc.). When I got to around 7th grade, it went downhill. I was insanely depressed to the point I missed over a month of school and went online. I stopped going outside, stopped wearing anything that wasn't 5XL and black, and didn't think about my weight because I was too depressed to. I stayed isolated in my house, wanting to die and barely leaving my bed until the spring I turned 16 (2019). I developed an incredibly restrictive eating disorder and lost probably over 50+ pounds by September. I got my shit together, got a job, got my driving permit, but inside I was obsessing over calories, falling over when I stood up, crying over dinner, and so far into my ED that those thoughts still find me. In the fall, after eating 300 cal/day for months, I started binging. I was probably around 130, and had ate my way up to 190s by February 2020. Over the last year and a few months, I've relapsed a few times, but ultimately gained even more, not binging out of control so much as just not caring and using food to feel better.
Now, at my highest weight of 235, the physical effects are getting to me. Cars are less comfortable (I can still fit, obviously, but they're uncomfortable). I took a few (slow) walks a few weeks ago and my heart rate got up to 150+ which terrified me. Yesterday I was in the shower and standing up was way harder than it should've been because my legs are so big and awkward. I haven't worn anything my size since I was 12, but I have been recently and found out I'm a 2X/size 22. That's one size down from the absolute biggest they carry in plus-size retail sections like Target. I'm almost too fat for plus-size clothes. I'm just constantly uncomfortable and insecure, and I've got a LOT better but I still don't like being seen in public. I feel like now, at 18 and a month, I'm too old for this. I've got to get it together. I have plans and goals for myself that I cannot achieve without getting my shit together. I can't live like this anymore.
So, after all my struggle in the past with it, I'm losing weight. I don't expect it to be easy in the slightest, but I'm too old and I've been through too much to let this take any more of my life from me. Please don't give me diet advice. I know all the tricks, all the diets, everything. Trust me, having an ED and obsessively using google tells you pretty much all you need to know and way more. I've ordered a punching bag and gloves for cardio and to take my anger out on something. I also ate meat for the first time since 2014 a few days ago, and haven't since but I think I'm going to try and work it back into my diet (as long as it comes from local and ethical sources). I don't have a calorie goal right now, but I'm in the process of making one that won't ultimately lead to an ED relapse or binge (this will be the hardest part lol).
TLDR: I've struggled with weight and insecurity and depression my entire life, but now, at 18, I'm getting my shit together because I can't live like this anymore. :)
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3wLrkq6
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