Lost 200lbs can't do a pushup. Mix in divorce and a sprinkle of dysphoria! Any advice?

Okay so I don't want to be too emotional or wordy so I will try my best..

This is me at 400lbs. in 2016 https://postimg.cc/JDjKC0qH

I cannot do a pushup

This is me at 290lbs in 2021 January https://postimg.cc/gallery/zNyQyzG

Cannot do a pushup. Wife of 7 years wants a divorce. Promises me a chance down the line 6 months to a year from now. Looooong story there I'm sure this isn't the place for it.

So I decide to go hard af. Make a huge change and dive deep into a new lifestyle

This is me June 2021

https://postimg.cc/gallery/HCtt0VZ

I am now 215 lbs.

I still cannot do a pushup.

Did the extreme weight loss by fasting 2-3 days a week and limit my calories to around 1700 the days I did eat. Mixed in a ton of cardio and averaged 10k steps a day + and focused on closing my exercise ring on the apple watch each day.

Idk if it's body dysphoria but I do not feel like I look like other people who weigh 215lbs. I see all the weight in my gut and I personally think that is why I cannot still to this day do a push up.

I cannot see a difference between the 290lb pic and the 215lb pic. I see like I have a collar bone at all times now and I lost some neck fat but yeah idk =/

My friends wanted me to focus on building muscle and losing weight at the same time but I felt that would be too slow and I wanted to hit 180lbs ASAP and then build up 10-20lbs of muscle.

I want to know if I cucked myself by focusing so hard on fasting and not lifting more while I was doing it. Should I go to 180 and then focus on lifting or should I cut back on fasting and protein it up and start lifting more then the excessive fasting and cardio I have been doing?

I also think I may be close to the finish line in terms of if I lose the 30lbs more I am obsessive about the weight will have to finally come from my gut because where else is there. My upper frame is tiny I wear a large now comfortably. I am aware you can't target fat and it just comes off where it pleases but yeah any help would be appreciated.

I have toyed with the idea of okay it's time to get a personal trainer to show me form and what to be lifting etc.

I do have a nutritionist and she is not a fan of my fasting but obviously I ignore her advice and fast a lot. I truly feel I wouldn't have gone from nearly 300lbs in Jan. 2021 to 215lbs now without doing it though and being so disciplined as I have been.

I guess I just have a fear of if I now start the protein grind and the lifting grind I am going to gain weight and I do not want to gain weight. I want to be muscular and look good and be like 220 max.

I am not a linebacker I don't want to be bulky and muscled and 250lbs

So in my mind. Get to 180 lift lift lift protein protein protein be like 210 and chad it up. versus Start the lift protein grind now. My body will recomp a bit and look better than it is now but I will be like 240 by the time it's all said and done.

I guess with everything going on in my life. All my fear and how far I have come. I don't think I want to be 240 if you know what I mean?. I can get that same muscle and gain and looks while being smaller weight wise if I start the protein stuff at 180. But I do think I am a bit obsessive with the scale at the moment.

I lift but very irregularly and with all the fasting I do I never really am in the mood to go super hard in the gym.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin and I truly feel I am committed to doing this and I have been doing great so far and now I want to know how/if I should switch it up and where should I put my focus.

Also for reference I am 31 years old and 6 '3

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