TL;DR: see title
Hi everyone! This is my first post here. I (21F) have been on my weight loss journey for a few months (on/off) now, and before I started, I was 5'4" 240 lbs, which is the heaviest I have ever been. I have lost about 5 pounds so far.
I have struggled with my weight ever since I hit puberty, and I'm not sure I have had a "normal" BMI since I was a kid. In my first year of high school, I was up to about 210 lbs, but by my senior year I was back down to 160 and I was feeling really good about my body. I was still a little chubby, but I felt good about my size and physical ability, and loved how I looked in clothes. I still had insecurities, but it was the happiest I have ever been about my looks and the capabilities of my body.
The thing was, I lost all of that weight without even actively trying to. I had a fear of working out or doing anything physical in front of other people, as I was very self conscious about it. And I have always eaten mainly comfort foods and I am really bad at getting vegetables and fruit into my diet.
The things I think caused my weight loss were 1) I took a weight training class at school and actually saw progress in my physical abilities which was really encouraging. 2) I joined the marching band so I was getting even more intense physical activity on nearly a daily basis 3) I didn't really eat that much. I struggled heavily with untreated depression and anxiety, so I didn't really have motivation to take care of myself properly. I am not a morning person and I always woke up like 10 minutes before the school bus would arrive at my stop, so I never ate breakfast. I also hated the food at school and I didn't have a job or a car (and had no motivation to pack lunches), so I didn't eat lunch either. So what usually would happen is I'd get home from school starving, eat a huge serving of carbs (often pasta) and then go to my room and sleep for the rest of the day. Sometimes I would wake up and eat dinner or have a snack before going back to bed (I was exhausted all the time and slept A LOT). But I think even though I ate lots of food at one time, I was overall in a calorie defect. Plus I was kinda accidentally intermittent fasting in a way? But in a super, super unhealthy way. I would never want to go back to eating like that because I felt like crap all the time and I know it's unsustainable and bad for me.
So I recognize that my first weight loss wasn't healthy, however, once I lost the weight I was really enjoying the benefits and I was in a better place mentally.
After high school, I gained the weight back and more over a period of 3 years. A few things I think contributed to this: I started dating my boyfriend who eats a lot of junk foods and soda (and stays very skinny 🙄) so I am constantly exposed to snacks and treats and temptations, and if we order food it is often not the healthiest of places. He doesn't do it on purpose or anything, but he is a really picky eater with a lot of allergies and it has been hard to find healthy meals to cook that we can both eat. I know we could eat separate meals, but eating together is one of the ways we bond and have fun, especially since the pandemic started and there isn't much else to do. I also feel a little responsible to make food for my boyfriend, because if it weren't for me he would literally eat a grilled cheese and fries for dinner every day. I sometimes do eat separately from him, but eating together isn't something I want to give up, and sometimes it's hard not to fall into that convenience of cooking a meal he likes or picking up Taco Bell.
Another thing is I finally started treatment for my mental health issues, and I started taking antidepressants. They have really helped me with my depression and anxiety, but they may have made me gain some weight. I was also taking trazodone for a while due to sleep issues, and that may have made me gain weight too.
Finally, I have been more sedentary. Outside of my job (where I do spend a decent amount of time walking around and going up stairs) I stopped engaging in physical activity. I'd usually spend the rest of the day lying down and watching something with my bf.
Since deciding to make a change, I have been trying to do the following:
-Calorie counting (1200/day goal)
-Exercising at least 30 mins 5 days a week
-Getting more vegetables into my diet
-Avoiding calorie dense foods
-Still allowing myself treats now and then, as long as it doesn't impede my progress
-Switching my antidepressant from Prozac to Wellbutrin/Bupropion as it can actually help with weight loss
Every time I start up with my routine, I do really well for a while. I have even gotten to a point where I enjoy exercising. I started losing weight and seeing progress, and feeling better about myself and my body.
Here's the BUT: Even with my medication, I occasionally fall into depressive episodes, usually about every month or two. When this happens, everything falls apart. My anxiety gets worse, and that makes calorie counting feel obsessive and overwhelming. My depression pushes my motivation levels to their lowest. All I can think of is how much work this process is, how exhausting it can be, and all the things I miss about my old lifestyle. It seems so exhausting to maintain, and knowing I'll probably have to keep it up for at least a year, and then I will still need to put in effort to maintain my goal weight, it just feels impossible and pointless to even try. I start to slip up. I stop counting calories, I stop exercising. I go back to my old habits. When my anxiety levels are high, I get intense urges to binge eat, and sometimes I give in. I stop losing weight (or even gain) and my poor diet makes me feel worse.
Eventually I'll claw my way out of the depression, and start feeling like myself again. Suddenly I am very motivated again! I start the routine, things are going well, and then...the depression comes back.
I'm sure some of you have been in a similar situation, and I was wondering if you have any tips for me for when I get this way. I can say without a doubt that it is the biggest hurdle for me to overcome in order to reach my goal weight. I try to have the mindset that setbacks are normal and that I just need to get up and keep trying, but it's starting to feel a little frustrating and discouraging.
Thank you so much for reading this whole thing! And thanks for any advice you may have.
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