In 2019 I dropped from 230ish down to 180 using this sub (AFAB 5'10"ish). Then I got into a loving relationship, moved in with my partner, weathered the worst (hopefully) of COVID, had a suicidal episode over my shitty job, changed jobs and depression meds, discovered I am on the spectrum and officially have adhd, and between all of that shot back up to 200 since October.
Thing is, it seems way harder this time around. I come in between under 500 and maintenance every day every week and I still always go up a pound -- so I must be counting wrong somehow, right? But last time I did this, I still estimated and still lost. Maybe the high dose of antidepressants isn't helping.
And 1500-1900 calories just doesn't seem to go as far anymore. Last time, I was able to eat 1500 a day. Now I struggle to stay under 2000. Working from home doesn't help.
The worst thing is that I started making a cosplay back at my lowest weight in 2019 that I planned on finally wearing to a (safe) con in 4 weeks ... that semi-fits with alterations now, but boy do I feel like shit in it, as it shows my stomach. (Alexstrasza from HoTS if you're wondering). I still want to go because of all the work I put into the cosplay, but it hurts knowing I'll be "fat alexstrasza" and might cause people to cringe in disgust from the sight of my gut and arms. Or worse, to tell me how "brave" I am to show my misshapen body in public, to dare attempt something reserved for the beautiful people of society.
I feel like a disgusting failure. I was tracking the whole time, thinking each pound increase was hopefully a minor fluctuation, and suddenly I look the same as I did before the whole weight loss thing.
I just don't know how to get back on track. Cooking, planning, weighing all feels so hard. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here -- I guess just venting.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3lmIUhh
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