I didn't realise how bad my body image was until I weighed myself recently.

This is a vent post, I'm pretty harsh on myself in this, but it's honestly what I've been feeling for the last 18 months or so

My stats are from my previous loss journey, which was 2018-2019. My most common weight as an adult is in the 190's and I tend to put on weight in stressful situations. I moved across the world in 2020 and with the way 2020 went I did not buy a scale. The last time i weighed myself was at the end of 2019.

I had myself utterly convinced that I was minimum 200lbs, how could I not be? I binged like crazy, stopped tracking completely, and food for me like many others became the only thing to do. I hated myself, I spent an entire year religiously losing weight to screw it up in weeks that became months that became 2021.

I tried dating, and when they fizzled out I blamed my weight, never mind that they wanted to date me in the first place, which just added to the whole mess, me feeling bad about myself, leading to binging leading to feeling worse about myself.

So I became more active, walked more, it was the only thing to do. Met up with friends outside when it was safe and did activities together to make it worthwhile, but the only thought in the back of my head is "I put on lots of weight" my diet sucked and it's the biggest component of weight loss.

Well I weighed myself. And I weigh 179. Not 200+ as I was fully expecting to see. Not in the 190's as my "comfortable" weight, not even in the 180's. I put on a whole 5lbs since I last weighed myself but I had myself utterly convinced that I was much bigger than I am. I'm still not small, still have an obese BMI, but my god is my body image ruined.

I am honestly still in disbelief and this was a week ago. I'm seriously considering therapy to work on these issues and I'm so proud of myself that despite the enormity of everything I managed to maintain to the point of gaining 5lbs in the last 18 months as when my father became ill in my early 20's I put on 40lbs in 8 weeks.

I need to be much kinder to myself and trust myself more.

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