I’m reading Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist and Our Lives Revealed by Lori Gottlieb and I thought I’d share a section that seemed interesting.
“Whenever one person in a family system starts to make changes, even if the changes are healthy and positive, it’s not unusual for other members in the system to do everything they can to maintain the status quo and bring things back to homeostasis. If an addict stops drinking, for instance, family members often unconsciously sabotage that person’s recovery, because in order to regain homeostasis in the system, somebody has to fill the role of the troubled person. And who wants that role? Sometimes people even resist positive changes in their friends: Why are you going to the gym so much? Why can’t you stay out late—you don’t need more sleep! Why are you working so hard for that promotion? You’re no fun anymore!”
I’m currently on my weight loss journey and this made me wonder if there are any such ‘accidental saboteurs’ in my life. For example, my mum has been very critical about my body growing up. However, she continues to cook unhealthy dishes for us despite me saying that I’d prefer if she used less oil etc. I’ve told my boyfriend that I would like to consume less and want to stay away from snacks, but he still jumps at opportunities to buy me snacks because according to him, he knows I like them and gift giving is his love language.
I’m not blaming them or saying they have bad intentions - as the book has shared these are unconscious behaviours. To me this also makes sense in social circles - nobody wants to be the fat friend. When you take on that role, they can take a back seat because they know they will always look skinnier next to you.
Weight loss is definitely a personal responsibility first and foremost but peer pressure is also very real and difficult to navigate. I guess my takeaway from this is that when dining out with others, I’ll be more mindful about our conversations and actions - lest I feed my bad habits accidentally (no pun intended). Curious to hear your thoughts on this, or if you have ever encountered such incidents?
A longer excerpt can be found here: https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/gottlieb-excerpt#section-my-idiot-therapist?
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