I think I've finally come to peace with food

Hi guys,

I just wanted to share my weight loss journey :) It's been a long time coming. I've been on a weight loss journey since 2015 and I wasn't necessarily overweight, just not healthy. But I did develop an eating disorder along the way. trigger warning*

My stats starting off was 5'1, 129lbs at 23 years old. My goal was initially 110lbs for my height, but as the maladaptive perfectionist that I am, I wanted my results fast. I got to 107lbs in 2 months. I worked out for an hour or two everyday, and ate SO little...My boobs completely deflated, but I had a flat tummy and could fit in size 0 jeans, right? I felt really sexy and I was actually able to maintain 113lbs for a year. (I do NOT recommend this at all btw, this is just the unhealthy approach I thought was okay at the time)

However, due to me wanting more results (I know I got greedy with myself), I started to dirty bulk to gain a booty. But I didn't properly educate myself on how to go about doing it and gained all the fat back and more from binging. The heaviest I got to was 150 lbs. During 2017-to now, I've been yo yo dieting, binging and purging without realizing it. Ive been in therapy for 7 years for my depression/anxiety. It was only until this year that I realized I developed an eating disorder due to my perfectionistic tendencies.

It's been SO difficult to allow myself to eat 'unhealthy' food like burgers or pizza (I know they aren't unhealthy, I just had large portions like a whole pizza instead of like one or two slices). I am hard on myself when I binge because I restricted so hard the day before. But to compensate for my binging, I restrict again the next day and the cycle continued. I was miserable, and if anyone else relates with this, it really can affect every aspect of your life. I wouldn't even eat with my boyfriend because I wanted more control of my food. But lets be real, we can't have complete control. It's good to allow yourself to have 'cheat' meals (to me that was like a muffin or something).

But this month, I allowed myself to eat a mcdonalds meal, pizza, fries, anytime I want in moderation. I feel SO much better because I get to eat what I want! but it's still scary because I'm afraid of gaining weight. I'm trying to be more kind to myself and eat to just feel happy again with food, not fear it. The last time I checked my stats I am now at 126lbs and I LOVE it. My boobs are full again and I still look amazing. A part of me wants to keep losing more, but just not fast again. (Also I LOVE working out because it helps with my depression)

I'm not all better yet with food as I still keep counting calories in my head, I still fear gaining weight, but the first step in improvement was just allowing myself to eat what I want and not feel guilty over it. I'm a little nervous sharing this because I know I made a lot of mistakes along this journey, but it taught me a lot about myself and my relationship with food.

Thanks for reading my story guys :)

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